Friday, October 30, 2015

Six Spooky Riddles

Why wouldn’t the jet fighter pilot cross a black cat’s path?
Too risky.

Why won’t vampires steal silverware?
That would reflect badly on them.

Why do imps fly?
Because they take themselves lightly.

Why do witches always come in covens?
Because which witch is which?

Why can’t a ghost testify in court?
It’s not a material witness.

Why do skulls grin?
Wait and see.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

The End of Time, an Underfable

      The End of Time

          Once upon a time, a Prophet preached, “Never mind paying your bills! Forget about planning for the future! You are free from all those bonds; for my calculations predict that on the twenty-third of next month, Time itself shall end!”
          Some people believed this prophesy; others laughed at it; most ignored it, for they had heard such predictions before.
          The appointed day arrived. The Sun rose in the east, ascended to the zenith, and set in the west. Then the stars arced overhead all night. By the next morning, Time had indeed ended for many; but it continued for most, and began for some, just like on any other day.
          The next morning came, and the Sun rose in the east. At noon the Prophet announced, “My calculations remain valid, despite the world’s continued existence; only details of timing need revision.” Then he named a later date for the End of Time.
That evening the postman went about his daily rounds, delivering yet another batch of bills.

          Moral: Some things never end.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Plucking the Pigeon, an Underfable

      Plucking the Pigeon

            Once upon a time Working Joe was outdoors, hammering nails, though the air was freezing cold. Big Boss was driving by in his stretch limo just then; he ordered the driver to stop, and rolled down a window.

            Big Boss said, “Isn’t seven more than five?”
            Working Joe said, “Isn’t thirty-two more than twelve?”
            Big Boss said, “Have you ever had a fire in your house?”
            Working Joe said, “Not yet, but she’ll set one in five years and he’ll set one in ten.”
            Big Boss said, “Can you pluck a pigeon?”
            Working Joe said, “Send me one and you’ll see.”

            Big Boss rolled up his window and ordered the driver to go. He then turned to Suxel, sitting next to him, and said, “Did you understand any of that?”
            Suxel said, “How could I? You spoke in riddles.”
            Big Boss said, “And you call yourself a super-lawyer! You, supposedly the cleverest man in town, but this working man understood me and you didn’t! I give you three days to figure out what we said. If you don’t, then you’re fired!”

            Suxel was stunned. He hurried to his office, and called an emergency meeting of all his subordinates, but none could figure out the riddles. Suxel then summoned Working Joe, and he asked Working Joe what that conversation meant.
            Working Joe said, “I’ll tell you if you pay me five hundred thousand dollars.”
            Suxel said, “How dare you! Five hundred thousand dollars for some wretched riddles?”
            Working Joe retorted, “If it’s not worth the money then don’t pay,” and he left.

            On the third day Suxel knocked on Working Joe’s door. He said, “All right, I’ll pay!”
            Working Joe said, “The price has gone up to a million.”
            Suxel said, “All right, all right! Here’s a check! Now tell me, quickly!”

            Working Joe said, “When Big Boss saw me working in the cold he asked if seven isn’t more than five. He meant to ask whether I did not earn enough in the seven warm months to make unnecessary my work in the five cold months. I answered that thirty-two is more than twelve. I meant that with my thirty-two teeth I could eat up more than I could earn in all twelve months.
            “Big Boss then asked if I have had a fire in the house. By this he meant to ask if I have sent any children off to college, for that costs as much as a fire in the house. I replied that my daughter will go in five years and my son in ten.
            “Big Boss then asked me if I could pluck a pigeon. I replied, send me one and you’ll see. As you can see, he sent me you. So now go back to Big Boss and tell him if I have done so or not.”

            Moral: If you can’t tell who’s the pigeon, then you’re it.