Thursday, January 31, 2013

Underfables: Fool the Prophet



Fool the Prophet




         Once upon a time a Prophet said unto the people, “You are saints and heroes. Our exceptional nation is a blessed haven of justice, liberty,  prosperity and learning. We are a light unto the world.”

         The people agreed, and they said, “We’ve done enough.” So they closed factories,  ports, universities and the Assembly. Roads grew weeds, bridges fell, sewers leaked, and a dark age began.

         Later another Prophet said unto the people, “You are pigs and maggots. Our mediocre nation is an accursed hive of villainy, tyranny, poverty and ignorance. We are a disgrace before mankind.”

         The people agreed, and they said, “We must do better.” So they built sewers, roads, bridges and factories; they opened ports, universities and the Assembly; and a golden age began.



         Moral:  Damn braces, Bless relaxes.



 

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Underfables: Cattitude



Cattitude




         Once upon a time a Barn Cat, hunting for mice at the circus, stopped and sat and stared.
         A Panther turned his head and narrowed his eyes. He growled, “What are you looking at?”
         The Barn Cat said, “I’m looking at a whole lot of big cat.”
         The Panther rumbled, “Do go on.”
         The Barn Cat said, “Your sleek physique! Your mighty thews! Your claws! Your fangs! You, sir, are a killing machine!”
         The Panther purred, “I could kill you in an instant.”
         “I’d be a snack!” said the Barn Cat, “ - if you could reach me through those bars.”
         The Panther hissed, “Shut up!”
         The Barn Cat said, “And what strong bars! And what a big cage!”
         The Panther was silent.
         “Oh well,” said the Barn Cat, “I think I’ll go somewhere else now. See ya!” And the Barn Cat strolled away, tail high.


         Moral:  Blessed be liberty.


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Underfables: An Age of Miracles and Wonders



          An Age of Miracles and Wonders



          Once upon a time the Shaman of the tribe took another swig of berry juice and said, “In the far future, men will start fires with the flick of a thumb!”
          The other tribesmen around the campfire said, “Sure they will.”
          The Shaman continued, “The people of the far future will have meat, fruit, grain and eggs, fresh all year round! Their caves will be warm in the winter and cool in the summer! They’ll always have clean water!”
          The other tribesmen said, “But of course.”
          The Shaman said, “The people of the far future,” then he took another swig of berry juice and continued, “will have flameless light at midnight! They’ll see sights, and converse with friends, beyond the horizon! They will run faster than jaguars and fly higher than eagles! The people of the far future,” he said, and took another swig of berry juice, “will see the far side of the Moon!”
          The other tribesmen said, “Who can doubt it?”
          The Shaman’s woman arrived. She squatted down, grabbed his head, sniffed his breath, and said, “I see!” Then she grabbed him by the shoulders, stood him up, and led him staggering back to their cave to sleep it off.

          Moral:  What is now proved was once only imagined.


Monday, January 28, 2013

Underfables: Seventy-Two White Raisins



Seventy-Two White Raisins


Once upon a time a young Jihadi appeared at the gates of Paradise, from out of a sudden burst of smoke. The Jinn  guarding the gates welcomed the defender of the faith, and into the Jihadi’s hand – still streaming smoke – the Jinn pressed his reward; six dozen white raisins. The Jinn said, with a smile, “They are as pure as they are white!”
The Jihadi replied, “Seventy-two white raisins?  But the Imam promised me seventy-two virgins!
The Jinn said, “That passage was mistranslated. And just what kind of an establishment do you think we are running here, young man?”

Moral: Beware the fine print. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

From the Liar: Unused Headlines




               Unused headlines for
       The National Liar
               “Every Rumor Unfit To Print!”


ELVIS RISES FROM THE DEAD!
Thousands witness saucer miracle!

JFK ASSASSINATES REAGAN!
Nation Rejoices!

WATER FLOWS UPHILL!
Sun Rises In West
Time An Illusion!

HONEST POLITICAN FOUND!!!

COLD WAR HOAX!
America and Russia were allies!

“Big Bang” Boo-Boo
Cosmos An Industrial Accident!

SHARK-EATING MAN
Fish swim in terror!

YETI ELECTED PRESIDENT
Snowman orders invasion of Tibet

Drug Czar Addict!
“The Devil Made Me Do It!” sobs deposed narc.

Santa’s Elves On Strike
Demand overtime pay for six-month nights!

Mr. Ed could talk!

Relativity Refuted
Hiroshima unscathed!

INCUMBENT DEFEATED!

POPE PROVES  1+1=1 !!!

Zombies Infest White House

Stock Market Crashes
Nobody Notices

All Horror Flick Gore Genuine
Actors Selected From Audiences

Stork Robs Sperm Bank

DEATH TOLL FALLS!
Former victims rise from the dead!

Photographic Proof That
PIGS HAVE WINGS!

Movie Star Grows Third Breast!
Plans World Exhibition Tour

Man Faxes Self

GOVERNMENT ILLEGAL!
Mobs Rule World

TEXAS ELECTS FIRST MALE GOVERNOR
Masculinists Applaud

WATER NOT WET
Iron Made Of Wood

Gay Whale Weds Godzilla
Judge Crater Presides

‘Toon Sex Scandal
Famous Character Strays!

MARILYN MONROE BURNS BRA


Snow White Love Nest
Princess purrs, “They’re short but fun!”

CIA OBEYS CONSTITUTION!!!

Preacher Deprograms Marine
“Army Is Satanic Cult!” weeps killer’s distraught Mom

SPACE ALIENS INVENTED WAR!
-        and peace!    - 

FIAT MONEY SCAM!
Paper backed by lies!
Trillions swindled!

God Denounces All Religions!
Disguntled Deity Proclaims:
“I DO NOT EXIST!”


OUR CREDO: The National Liar is dedicated to the cause of inaccuracy, bias and subjectivity in the news media. We stand by none of these stories. Don’t believe a word of this paper; any resemblance it bears to “reality” is sheer “coincidence”. This newspaper is false!

And Remember:
“If You Read It In The Liar, Then It Isn’t True!”