Passing the Test
Once
upon a time, a Bot administered its notion of a Turing test. A normal Human
applied for a seat on a Starship, and the Bot said, “There are five ticket classes;
Officer, Business, Passenger, Steerage and Cargo; as allocated by Turing test.
You must prove that you have human consciousness. Do you consent?”
The
Human said, “Uh, consent? To what? Oh, Turing test. Sure, why not?”
The
Bot said, “Hesitation, confusion. Very human. Check! Next question. What’s one
and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one
and one and one?”
The
Human said, “I don’t know, I lost count.”
“You
can’t do Addition. Eks! Take a bone from a dog; what remains?”
“The
dog’s temper,” the Human said, quoting from his cribsheet, which he had finally
pulled out and unfolded. “For the bone wouldn’t remain, and the dog wouldn’t
remain, for he’d lose his temper and come to bite me; nor would I remain; so only the dog’s temper would
remain.”
“Very
logical. Check! What’s one and one and one and one and one and one and one and
one and one and one and one and one and one?”
“Thirteen,”
the Human read from his cribsheet.
“Inhumanly
accurate answer; therefore you are either a bot or you are cheating. Eks! What
is your opinion of United Spaceways customer service?”
The
Human responded with a volley of curses.
The
Bot replied, “Impotent rage at unfair treatment. Very human. Check! You have
passed three out of five questions; you get a C on the Turing Test. Select
Passenger Class seating, and have a nice flight!”
Moral: Consciousness
is relative.
Commentary: The Bot’s notion of consciousness
was not the Human’s. The test was Carrollian and rigged because United
Spaceways wanted to limit Business Class and Officer Class tickets. Officer
Class cribsheets say that the correct answers were “13” for the first long sum,
and “I lost count” for the second. Consciousness is not only relative, it’s
political.
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