Betazoid Empathy Sensors Identified

          Betazoid Empathy Sensors Identified

          Abstract

          How do Betazoids detect emotion? Science has long been at a loss to answer this question. Not only do we not know the mechanism of empathic perception, we are not even aware of its organic locus. What organs in the Betazoid body serve as the empathy sensors?

          This paper reviews and refutes the brain theory of empathic perception, and presents evidence that the Betazoid organs of empathic perception are the mammary glands.

          Brain Theory Refuted

          Many researchers hav speculated that, since emotions are generated by the brain, it follows that a Betazoid’s empathy sensors are located in the brain. With equal logic one could deduce that, since sounds are generated by the vocal cords in the throat, the eardrums should be located there too.

          An empathy sensor located within the brain itself would quickly enter a cybernetic loop, and overload under feedback from the Betazoid’s own emotions. Therefore a Betazoid’s empathy sensors cannot be located in the brain.

          Such a dangerous duplication of function would countervene standard bioengineering practice. The brain is a co-ordinating organ, not a sensor organ; indeed, it is devoid of sensory nerves. Cerebral tissue is interconnected and mult-adaptive, and for that very reason is ill-suited to the specialization necessary for sensory efficiency. Specialized sensory organs connect to the brain but are not within the brain.

          Emotion perception should be no exception to this rule.

          Field Observations

          The following table summarizes many man-hours spent observing Starfleet computer records¹ of a Betazoid and her² colleagues at work aboard a Federation battleship³.

Subject                          RL                        BC                       DT

Species                          Bajoran                Human                 Betazoid

Post                               Pilot                     Medic                  Counsellor

Intelligence                   DWBB⁴               DWBB⁴               DWBB⁴

Impression                    ambitious,           protective            designated

                                      insecure,              of offspring         maternal

                                      alienated              and patients         surrogate

Empathy index              1                           5                           10

Mammary index⁵          1                           5                           10

          Analysis of Field Observations

          These data show a perfect correlation (r=1.000000) between the Empathy Index and the Mammary Index. This strongly supports the theory that female Betazoids perceive emotions by means of the mammary glands⁶.

          The mammary glands, being dual, have built-in parallax; this permits stereo perception. Thus a female Betazoid, upon entering a crowded room, can detect through her empathy sensors not only how people feel, but who feels what.

          Footnotes

1.    Obtained via FOIA lawsuit. Highly edited and biased towards Starfleet.

2.    To control for sex, this survey considers only females.

3.    Its continuing mission: to boldly go where angels fear to tread.

4.    Damn well better be bright!

5.    A fourth female had to be excluded from this survey due to lack of precise optical measurements of the attribute. (Non-spandex garment; 10 suspected.)

6.    The male Betazoid question remains unanswered. Evidently a different organ is at work here. Preliminary observations suggest that a male Betazoid’s empathy sensor is his phallus. Perhaps a high Empathy Index in Betazoid males correlates with a high Phallic Index. Confirmation of this theory awaits further data from Starfleet.