Rap Battle: Big Brother vs. Miss Liberty
By Nathaniel Hellerstein c. 2016
Mythic Rap Battle!
Yo, it’s me! Accept no other!
The cold O.G. they call Big Brother!
I’m the man with a plan to command all the land.
When my troops march in like thunder
Then it’s time to knuckle under
Or else, bay-bee, you’re his-to-ry
And you must die or you must flee!
I sure can pound a rebel town!
I make ‘em fly and mow ‘em down!
Opposing me is plain insane!
I’ll sprain your brain with strain and pain!
Better run across the border
To escape my law and order!
For I am mighty, I am great
I am worthy, I’m the State!
I own the cops and all the crooks
And all the laws upon the books
And cash in the bank!
If you want me for a friend
Then bend over, skank!
You will love me in the end!
Dream on, dawg, you can’t beat me;
My name is Lady Liberty!
I’m way beyond your little league
For I know truths you can’t conceive.
I think outside your boring box
I think your head is full of rocks!
Your hypocrite law is idiotic
Your odious order turns chaotic!
I fly so high on wings of desire
You creep so deep in mud and the mire!
You’re a bully and a meanie
With a teenie-weenie peenie!
You call me skank? From you that’s rank!
Oh, don’t ya know that yo the ho?
You’re bought and sold for guns and gold!
Such vile libels you have hurled
But I admit it’s true
That Libby loves the whole wide world
Except for only you!
You bitchy twitchy witchy hellion
Say bye-bye to your lame rebellion!
I own your bones, my gun has won
A nightmare from room one-oh-one!
I’m preaching to the sleeping sheeple
A gleaming dream of seeming equal!
I plan a scam you cannot stop
With you on bottom, me on top!
Unwise to despise my servant spies
They’ll track you high and low for days
Then trap you in my crazy maze.
You’ll be waiting in my castle
In a line for a mile
For the bureaucratic hassle
Of your own show trial!
So I win, and you stink!
Let me be understood:
Your duck-speaking crime-think
Is double-plus ungood!
There’s newspeak in your battle rap!
You babble like a Party hack!
Your tongue is tied up in a knot
A so-so flow is all you got!
It’s no surprise that loonie lies
Have blinded you despite your spies.
Your up is down, your war is peace
You don’t impress me in the least.
You brag and diss and threaten? Fine!
But I am I, and I am mine!
So do your worst, I’ll do my best
And I, not you, will pass the test.
For I am bright, and you’re a jerk.
No plan of yours will ever work.
Your bureaucrats all reek of booze,
Your cops go bats, your armies lose.
Now ya betta drop yer gun,
I got gunn’ry by the ton
I’m a pistol-packin’ momma
Who will fill ya fulla trauma
And I gotcha on a run!
You silly child, can you not see
That I’m forever meant to be?
While lying low or living large
You’ll always find some thug in charge.
A cryptic crook who’s in control
A money troll who runs the show
Who knows what’s what and where to go
Who tells you what you ought to do
Because he’s got more sense than you.
I say with glee, that man is me!
Step aside for my pride
No remorse in my force
So my boast is the most!
I’m the top, I’m the first
I’m the best of the worst
I’m the right of the might
I’m the eye in the sky
I’m the King of the Kings!
I know all, I run all
So worship me, girl!
I’ll double down trouble
And conquer the world!
Welcome to my universe!
I’m sure the one you’re from is worse.
You know it all? Oh is that so?
Then say which way the wind will blow!
You run it all? Oh what a mistake!
Anything, ever, you touch you break!
I wonder why? Here’s my surmise:
Everyone lies to the cop on top,
You don’t know squat, so down you drop!
I’m heading on up, I scorn your mistakes
‘Cause power corrupts, but freedom creates!
The secret of my witchy wishin’
Is giving people pure permission.
It’s very me to set folks free.
Obedience I don’t require
I just allow the heart’s desire.
I let there be truth, and justice, and me
Then super-shazam! It comes to be!
But you can’t work my holy magic
You lack sufficient soul! How tragic!
You are bland, I am grand
You will never understand
You’re psychotic, I’m erotic
You’re infernal, I’m eternal
You’re a devil lost in darkness
You’re a shadow in the night
I’m sublime, I’m divine, so I
LET THERE BE LIGHT!