Friday, May 11, 2012

Spooky Personals

                  Spooky Personals

            Let’s Get Metaphysical
            DWM (age 230+) seeks LWF (age 23-) for romantic encounter, mutual re-education, B&D. Me: politically incorrect, historically experienced, metabolically challenged. You: righteous, red-haired, lively, naive. So punish me! Lecture me! You were right all along!

            Blood Sports
            Vampire seeks pool of HIV- donors. Three medical references, please, plus list of all previous vampiric partners.
            Call of the Wild
            Werewolf seeks owner for monthly walks, flea baths, shave. Bring out the beast in me!

            Out of this World
            Greetings, earthlings! I have travelled 12.7 thousand parsecs to your planet to seek out new abductees, explore strange new sports, to boldly go where no alien has gone before. I am into hypnotism and crop circles. No weirdos, please.

            BIGFOOT seeks size 87 sneakers.

            GIANT RADIOACTIVE LIZARD offers demolition services.

            BABY LAKE MONSTERS FOR SALE! Write to: Loch Ness Chamber of Commerce.
            What Am I?
            Unidentifiable Thing with identity crisis seeks biologist for classification counseling.

            Sign Up!
            Underworld demon seeks ambitious fool for mutually profitable exchange. Do you want fame? Sex? Money? Power? Well, have I a deal for you! Easy credit terms; buy now, pay later!

            Spare Parts?
            Golem with failing organs seeks body-parts supplier. Urgent need, am willing to pay top dollar, no questions asked.

            Everything Must Go!
            Ghoul with overstocked tomb seeks body-parts buyer. Offer expires soon. Low, low prices. No questions, please.

            Trust Me
            False messiah with backwoods stronghold seeks sheeplike followers for brainwashing, domination, abuse, weapons training, and mass suicide. Transferrable property a plus, mental weakness a must. Come bask in the presence of a superior being. I don’t practice what I preach because I’m not the sort of person I preach to!

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