Wednesday, December 5, 2012

All Hail Kah-Pey; 3 of 5



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Sam showed me a special magazine edition that the National Liar printed for this emergency holiday season. It was an in-depth biography of those two. What tales they told!
“You see, Jack Flash and Miz PC were both as rich as Hell, but they had a little problem. It was called Kah-pey.”
“Their pet volcano!” I exclaimed.
“You mustn’t use the V-word,” my uncle-cubed mock-scolded me. “They got annoyed with its habit of regularly spewing hot ash and lava over their broad estates.” Sam squinted at the magazine, pored down its columns of print. “See – it’s right here in the Liar – one morning in bed together, those two thought up this really bright idea…”
“What were they doing in bed?”
“Thinking up bright ideas!” said Sam. “Namely; that modern technology makes it possible to put a cap on Kah-pey!”
“A cap?!” I mock-goggled.
“A cap,” he replied with mock seriousness; and he intoned (while I giggled helplessly), “With Science and Modern Technology in control, we can keep Mount Kah-Pey secure forever!”
“Forever?!” I gasped.
“Forever,” he said grimly. “It says so right here in the National Liar.”
I howled with laughter.

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            I goggled in all sincerity. “A cap?!
            The ancient Tortoiselander said, “Yup.”
            “On an active volcano?!
            “Yup.”
            “What for?
            “I told you what for; two rich fools wanted to shut the damn thing up. But in addition, mind you, there was profit to be made! Yes, you heard me, profit! A genuine killing to be made in geothermal power!”
            “Geothermal power from a capped volcano?”
            “A real hot property,” the ancient Tortoiselander declared. “Imagine all the megawatts of heat energy you can tap off tons of molten rock not far underground! No more lava-inundated generators! No, now we have safe volcano power!”
            “You mustn’t use the V-word,” I said numbly.
            “Power too cheap to meter! Megawatts! Gigawatts! Whatever you want! As much as you can take; in fact, the more heat you can steal from the Pimple, the better!”
            “I see.”
            “The Mount Kah-Pey Geothermal Industrial Project wants you to consume energy. They’re constantly expanding facilities, but don’t worry. It’s true that all those new boreholes tend to weaken the mountain, but they’re constantly weaving steel cables all over the V-word, in order to even out the stress, and leave no single weak point.”
            “But what if it all goes all at once, like a bubble?” I asked.
            “Good question!”
            “And by the way, where is Kah-Pey?” I asked, looking around.
            No high ground anywhere.

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I forgot to tell you what Those Two looked like.
Jack Flash wore a traditional Hareland business suit; mohawk haircut dyed bright green and purple, wraparound mirror shades, safety-pin earrings, studded black leather jacket, black jeans, and boots. I believe the style is called “punk”.
Don’t laugh. Hareland businessmen had to dress like punks, if they wanted to make any money. Uncle Ted, for instance. He had to wear that stuff, or they wouldn’t hire him anywhere.
Miz PC was equally traditional; she dressed like a Hareland housewife. No reason why; she was rich enough to afford better; she just like to dress ‘below her station’, if you please. The style is called ‘Morticia-clone’; black filmy dress, high heels, long black straight hair, black eyeshadow, black lipstick, bone-white face, and sharp red nails. Very old-fashioned.
I also forgot to quote Ms. Prudence Constance about the miraculous vision she received, blessing this venture. For you see, young man, she told the world that she met an angel…
What, you don’t believe me? Then judge for yourself, O skeptic. She said:
“In his hands I saw a long golden spear and at the end of the iron tip I seemed to see a point of light. With this he seemed to pierce into my heart several times so that it penetrated into my entrails. When he drew it out I thought he was drawing them out with it and he left me completely afire with a great love of God. The pain was so sharp that it made me utter several sharp moans; and so excessive was the sweetness caused me by this intense pain that one can never with to lose it.”

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            “Amazing!” I cried.
            The ancient Tortoiselander said, “That’s what I said, too, when I first heard it.”
            “That was from the president of the Guardians of Purity?
            The ancient Tortoiselander said, “The Neo-Conservative attitude towards sex was the same as their attitude towards volcanoes. Both were merely forces of nature.”
            Merely forces of nature?”
            “Created by God for them to harness and subdue. But they themselves were above such things. They were in control. They were masters, not slaves; management, not labor.”

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            “They’re convinced that they’re invincible,” Sam told me as soon as my giggle-fit passed. “It says right here in the Liar; ‘We’re intelligent beings, we can control a big dumb volcano’.”
“An intelligent being wouldn’t even try to control a big dumb volcano!” I jeered.
Sam said, “An intelligent being wouldn’t make a V-word into their main industrial power center. An intelligent being wouldn’t put their homes on or anywhere near such a folly! And, when the damn thing’s innards rumble a bit more than usual, an intelligent being would never throw a party for his richest friends and enemies in a big building right on top of the Pimple itself! But that’s exactly what those lunatics are doing right now!”
“Are they televising the party?” I asked eagerly.
Uncle-cubed frowned; then he eased up and said, “In an hour. You can watch with us as soon as you do the recycling.”
“Aww, Sam!
“You can stomp the cans, O.K.?”
“O.K.,” I agreed quickly.
“So be nimble with those cans! Be quick!”
I smiled. “Jack-be-nimble?”
“You’re not Jack!” Sam objected.
I sang;  “Jack be NIMBL, Jack be quick
Jack Flash sat on a candlestick
’Cause fire is the Devil’s only friend!”
Sam and I laughed. It was a Tortoiseland nursery song.
He said, “Do you know what that acronym means?”
“N-I-M-B-L?” I said. “No, what?”
“ ‘Not In My Bloody Lifetime’,” he intoned. “Jumpin’ Jack Flash himself said that. Get in, get out, quick as a hare!”
“The Harelandish way!” I cried.
Sam nodded. “For you see, dear nephew-cubed, they all know – anybody with any common sense knows – what’s bound to happen sooner or later…”

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