For the next two weeks I shall be blogging from the annals of “The National Liar”, a satire zine once published at Lincoln University, then in San Francisco, with yours truly as Discreditor. I start with a news report long expected:
Lois Lane Dumps Superman
Metropolis - In a tearful public announcement, famed Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane broke off her engagement to Superman. When asked why, she shocked the crowd of fellow-reporters by declaring that she feared for her life.
"You all think of him as a big blue Boy Scout, but I know him better than that," she said bitterly. "If you knew him and his neuroses as well as I do, he wouldn't seem so super." Distraught and angry, Ms. Lane denounced the Man of Steel's many personal shortcomings. She categorized him as "impersonal", "obsessive", "a control freak", "schizoid", "weird", even "inhuman".
That last accusation came as no surprise, given Kal-El's extraterrestrial origin; nor was her revelation of his 'secret' identity as Clark Kent. "I don't even know why he thinks it's a secret," Lois Lane complained. "Everybody knows; and everybody except him knows that everybody knows. What a dweeb!"
Superman's alienated ex was particularly scathing about the Kryptonian's sexual failings. "Every time I turn down the lights and slip into something comfortable, he flies out the window to go pick a fight at the other end of the world. I think he's more afraid of me than of kryptonite!"
Ms. Lane expressed relief that the Man of Steel has never attempted coition with her or any other human female. "He doesn't smell right," she complained. "The pheremones are all wrong! Let's face it, he's not of this world; he just can't mate with Earthlings. For him it'd be bestiality!"
The Daily Planet's star reporter scandalized her fellow reporters by speculating that attempting to have sex with the super-strong Kryptonian alien would be suicidal. "Man of steel, woman of kleenex," she explained.
Lois Lane ended her tirade with the suggestion that "the muscle-bound freak" seek comfort in the arms of Supergirl. "At least she's his own species," she concluded cattily.