Dateline December 25, 2012, North Pole:
The political world is reeling from the shocking “Santyleaks” document-dump found in electronic in-boxes all over the world this morning. Santyleaks is a data-sharing system run by Kris Kringle, code-named “Santa Claus”, longtime international covert agent. This morning’s data-deluge includes secret documentation proving:
* Mental illness in all American Presidents since 1945.
* CIA-Mafia cooperation in the assassinations of John F Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and many others.
* CIA-Mafia lobbying for the War on Drugs.
* NRA-Mafia lobbying against gun control.
* The Reagan-Khomeini October Surprise partnership.
* The deliberate creation, and accidental release, of the AIDS virus at Fort Dietrich.
* Elite corporate pre-planning of the high-tech stock bubble.
* Massive electronic voting fraud yielding serial stolen elections.
* The Cheney-bin Laden 9/11 partnership.
* Implosion of WTC 1, 2 and 7 on 9/11, as ordered by Dick Cheney.
* Mailing of US Army anthrax to force passage of the Patriot Act,
as ordered by Dick Cheney.
* Elite corporate pre-planning of housing mortgage bubble.
* Elite corporate pre-planning of student loan bubble.
Santyleaks also includes:
* Schedule of fixed Presidential electoral outcomes until 2040.
* Unflattering personal descriptions of political leaders, by each other.
* Evidence of sexual and financial scandals reaching the highest levels of church, state and market.
* Evidence of high crimes committed by corporate CEOs, including rape, treason, and premeditated murder.
* Elite corporate pre-planning for an American police state.
* Elite corporate pre-planning for global neo-feudalism.
Reaction to Santyleaks was mixed. Mr. Kringle had many supporters in dissident circles; online bloggers called him a hero, a patriot, and even a saint; but official opinion was negative. High-ranking talk-show hosts denounced “Santa Claus” as a traitor and a terrorist. Several columnists called for Mr. Kringle to be stopped by any means necessary, including assassination. The TSA has put Mr. Kringle on its watch list; Interpol wishes to question him on charges of multiple simultaneous home invasions; and NORAD has shoot-down orders.
Reports of Secretary Clinton’s death by diplomatic embarrassment were exaggerated. In an e-mail to students at Columbia University, Hillary Clinton wrote, “I die! I spy, lie and keep shameful secrets; but the secrets leak out! Governments all over the world collapse from sheer humiliation, and everybody dies! O the embarrassment!”
Rush Limbaugh said, “Mr. Kringle must be caught and punished! His indiscretion was criminal, and it hasn’t changed anything! Why did he have to blab? Everybody knew all this stuff already! Now we’ve got to talk about it, even though it’s true! It’ll take months, maybe years, to undo the damage! This stuff endangers our agents in the field, and what’s worse, it’ll complicate future operations! Who knows what he’ll leak on us next? Surveillance should come from above, not beneath! So there’s nothing new here, folks; move along, move along! This ‘Santa Claus’ fellow didn’t do anything, and he shouldn’t have done it!”
A prominent blogger wrote, “Mr. Kringle is an asymmetrical spirit warrior. He does not exist, and his revelations are not news; but his very nonexistence makes him invulnerable, and the very staleness of his non-news proves his subversive point. People do not need teaching as much as they need reminding.”
Kris Kringle, when asked to comment, said, “Santyleaks is a shiny toy for the nice boys and girls, and a lump of coal for the naughty ones. So be good, for goodness sake!” He added, “Ho, ho, ho!”