Wednesday, December 19, 2012

From the Liar: Why It's Always The End Of The World

       From the Annals of “The National Liar”:
        Why It's Always The End Of The World    

         Discreditorial for April 1, 1996

         Discerning readers of this fine journal may have noticed that it always reports the end of the world. That report is always on the front page, and what is more, it is always the second most important story. We have destroyed the world many different ways; by solar nova, asteroid impact, nuclear war, black hole absorption, and (for this issue) Judgement Day. The end is always sudden and complete; yet it never seems to have any noticeable effect on the average person's everyday life.
              Why is this so?
              Why is it always the end of the world?
              And why doesn't it ever accomplish anything?
         We here at the National Liar make it our sworn duty to cover this greatest (yet least) of stories, and for three simple reasons: Entertainment Value, Falsehood, and Immunization.
         As for Entertainment Value: what could be more thrilling than the end of everything? Doesn't violence sell? Doesn't death sell? "If it bleeds, it leads"; this journalistic axiom gives us all the excuse we need to report the bloodiest story of them all. It's the ultimate media spectacle; a story so bad, that if it ever did happen, then there'd be no reporters to cover it, no papers to print it, and no readers to read it. To keep from missing such an opportunity, we report it now.
         As for Falsehood: that's what the National Liar is all about. This journal is the world's only honest newspaper; for it admits that it lies. The National Liar describes a perfect world, where only what isn't so is so, and vice versa. What else could we do with such perfection but destroy it? Who would ever object? Who'd be left to object? It's not as if people actually care about life and death; for if we did, would we act the way we do?
         And as for Immunization: dear reader, doesn't the media panic bore you? It's all been done before, and you're jaded. And it's good that you are! That's what the media panic is for! We journalists cry wolf constantly, precisely in order to lull you into a false sense of security. This way, when doom does come, you'll receive it in a calm and relaxed state of mind.
         Have a nice day!

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