From the Annals of “The National Liar”:
Ursa (the Bear)
Don’t be such a big dip, you big dipper! How in Heaven did your sun get so close to the North Pole? I can’t bear it!
Orion (the Hunter)
You know the way of earth and sky. Your gaze is straight, your aim is true. Why, then, is your sun off the ecliptic?
Cygnus (the Swan)
You used to be an ugly duckling; now you’re a beautiful goose. You float serenely on still waters, the better to gaze at your own reflection.
Canis Major (the Big Dog)
You may think you’re top dog, but to all the underdogs you’re just another son of a B. So get Sirius. Stop putting on the dog. You’ve got territory to mark!
Canis Minor (the Little Dog)
Don’t come whining to me with those hangdog looks! So what if you’re an underdog? You loser! You mongrel! You cur! Everybody picks on you, and it’s all your fault!
Lyra (the Harp)
I shouldn’t harp on what a lyre you are; after all, so is this horoscope. So let’s make beautiful music together. Stay tuned.
Andromeda (the Queen)
Your Highness, you are the subject of this forecast; yet the Queen is not a subject. You are a river of stars, a world of worlds. You are beyond stellar; you are galactic. Checkmate!
Crux (the Southern Cross)
You’re as bad as the Bear! How did your sun get so close to the South Celestial Pole? The crux of the matter is: have you been lying down on the job? Better cross your fingers!
Auriga (the Charioteer)
Didn’t I see you hurtling on the freeway, swerving around everybody as if we were one of those video games? If you’re in such a hurry, then how much time do you have left?
Bootes (the Herdsman)
Don’t look so sheepish just because you’ve herd a lot of bull. There’s lots of cow pies lying around, so keep those booties on.
Aquila (the Eagle)
We call you a symbol of noble independence, but we all know you’re just a scavenger. Keep your beak out of my business!
Centaurus (the Centaur)
Giddyup! People call you a horse’s a**, but that’s unfair. The truth is, your a** is a horse!