From the Annals of “The National Liar”:
War On Drugs Succeeds
Washington, D.C. - “We’ve won!” declared an exultant Drug Czar. “America has given up all drugs forever!”
Shocking? Yes. Unexpected? Yes indeed; but true. Secret government reports leaked today by the DEA reveal that no Americans anywhere this year have purchased or consumed any mind-altering substances, legal or otherwise; and that furthermore no Americans plan to purchase any more drugs, now or in the foreseeable future.
Sunshine Headly, self-confessed ‘space case’ from San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury district, said, “They tell me not to smoke any more weed ever again, and how could I possibly disobey? Never mind that it’s available on every street-corner in the country; what the Man says goes. Now he tells me to give up my paisley T-shirts and buy a business suit. I’m sure it’ll be fun.”
“Intimidation works,” confessed Leroy Brown, an inner-city gang-banger. “I usta deal, I was gonna deal, I made good money by dealin’, there was no other way for me to make money than by dealin’, but now I’m too scared to do it anymore, on account of all the cops. What if I get caught? I guess I’ll take that job at McDonald’s after all.”
Drugs have become a literal drug on the market, as huge crates full of marijuana, mescaline, peyote, LSD, MDMA, methamphetamine, cocaine, barbituates, sedatives, morphine, and heroin pile up in warehouses nationwide, bereft of buyers.
Agent X, of the Central Intelligence Agency, said, “No more smuggled contraband. No more shady deals with narco-tyrants. No more secrecy, no more hypocrisy. This time we mean business, I swear it. Trust me.”
“Chico”, visiting coca grower, said, “Those crazy gringoes. First they say they want this stuff. Paid tons of money for them. Me and my family say, sure, we’ll grow it, we’ll sell it. But now the officials won’t even take our bribes anymore. Who thought they’d ever turn honest?”
The same total economic collapse has overtaken the dealers of tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, Librium, and even chocolate. Inexplicably, the seemingly insatiable American appetite for altered states of consciousness has faded away, like the strange dreams those very drugs used to induce.
The Rev. Dr. Fallout, of the Amoral Minority, was alarmed by the news. “Uh-oh,” he said. “Now what are we going to do? How are we going to get donations to combat a scourge that no longer exists? I was sure this scam was unbeatable; I thought we could ride this anti-drug gravy train for life! I’m scared; what’ll people give up next? Illicit sex? I’ll be unemployed!”
Spokesmen for California’s Prison Guards Union expressed similar concerns. “The jails will empty out. Courts will become swift and efficient. Police will turn polite and honest, even to minorities and the poor. It’ll be a disaster!”
In response to these and other official complaints, the DEA has issued the following directive to the American people:
“Please justify our budgets by resuming illegal behavior.”