From the Annals of “The National Liar”:
Judgement Day: Mankind Damned
Anytown, U.S.A.: In a surprise move last Tuesday, the Lord God Almighty passed judgement on the entire human race. The judgement was negative; and in consequence, the planet Earth was obliterated, all mortal life destroyed, and every human soul damned for all eternity.
“There’s just no pleasing some people,” said J.R.”Bob” Dobbs, Mome of the Noman Particular Church. “Who does He think He is?”
The Lord’s vengeance was swift and terrible. Atheists were annihilated, agnostics eviscerated, and followers of false prophets roasted slowly over an open flame. Only believers in the One True Faith were spared; unfortunately, there were no such believers. According to the Lord’s exceedingly rigorous standards, all beliefs, and all believers, were damnably at odds with His version of Absolute Truth.
“I always knew it would come to this,” said Rat Pobertson, noted televangelist and moral entrepreneur. “I kept on telling them and telling them, watch out! You’ve got to do everything I say He wants us to do, or you’ll be in BIG trouble! But did they listen to me? No, they didn’t! I kept on telling Him and telling Him, You’ve got to give us a little bit more time to get it right, or all Your work will be for nothing! But did He listen to me? No, He didn’t!”
“Typical patriarchal arrogance,” commented Hattie O’Maire, famous atheist. “He can’t have things exactly His own way, so nobody can have anything any way at all. This proves what I’ve said all along; that so-called ‘Lord God’ is nothing but a big baby! Who can worship what nobody can even respect? Consider His actions: does He even respect Himself?”
“Hey, what is this?” complained Joe Sixpack, unemployed former auto-worker from Flint, Michigan. “There I was, minding my own business, wondering how to pay next month’s rent, when all of a sudden I’m being mugged by a gang of archangels! They ask me a bunch of crazy questions; I tell ‘em I don’t know nothin’. Then I ask if they have any work for me. Next thing I know, my head’s lopped off! Now tell me; is that fair?”
“We did deserve it,” said the Unabomber, “but did the animals? Did the birds and flowers, and especially the trees? I don’t think so. What we have here is a case of overkill. I should know!”
Similar misanthropic opinions were expressed by members of Al Qaeda, Hamas, the IRA, the Tamil Tigers, the KKK, Gush Emunim, Earth First!, Shining Path, Christian Identity, the Khmer Rouge, and other terrorist groups. All these attempts curry favor with the ultimate Terrorist backfired spectacularly. It seems that He holds a particularly harsh grudge against imitators.
Reaction to mankind’s damnation was mixed. On Wall Street, stock prices rose dramatically, but interest rates declined. The United Nations passed a resolution calling for negotiations with the Lord; similar legislation in the U.S. House was filibustered. The U.S. Defense Department announced a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy concerning the end of all Earthly life. David Letterman’s Top Ten List made no mention of the end of the world; nor did Jay Leno, nor the CBS Evening News, nor any other clowns.
Judgement Day had no discernable effect on the Presidential campaign trail. Bob Dole’s campaign was just as dead as before, Alan Keyes’ campaign just as hopeless as before, Perot’s was just as absurd as before. Hell froze over, and Pat Buchanan was there, fighting on the ice. President Clinton took both sides of the Armageddon issue.
Harris polls indicate that 91% of the American people disapproved of the end of the world; but that an equal number said that it made no difference in their daily lives.