Friday, May 15, 2026

On Creative Defeat

           On Creative Defeat

      Or, Three Little Words

 

 

          There comes a moment in any married man’s life when he learns – or is carefully taught – a strange magic spell which, when properly used, turns night into day, storms into rainbows, and misery into joy. Unmarried men will scoff, but I am not exaggerating in the least.

          You learn this incantation, as you do all true magic, in the midst of crisis. You and your spouse have reached an impasse, and the pressure and heat is rising. At the verge of mutual defeat, you suddenly experience an instant of searing insight, and a joyous recognition of the perfect solution. Thus spiritually prepared (for only thus can one even utter the spell) you speak three little words.

          Three little words, and that’s enough. The quarrel ends,  and all is peace and joy. And what are these three little words?

          “I love you,” perhaps?  So think unmarried men and other romanticists! No, any married person of experience knows full well that the Three Magic Words are:

          “You are right!”

         

 

Tuesday, May 12, 2026

Coping Strategy

          Coping Strategy

 

          I have given up on immortality and will settle for reproducibility.

Monday, May 11, 2026

A Philosophical Disagreement

          A Philosophical Disagreement

 

           I was at the gas station, paying for a tankful of gasoline, when Gina, the owner, asked me how my wife Sherri is. I said, “Well enough,” and then added that ‘well enough’ is my stock answer to how-are-you.

          Gina, as ever an optimistic extravert, said, “You can do better than that. If you say ‘I feel fantastic’ all day, then by the end of the day you’ll feel fantastic.”

          I, as ever an introverted pessimist, replied, “Ohh no no no no no, that’s not how my so-called mind works. If I say I feel fantastic all day then by the end of the day I’ll feel awful for not feeling fantastic!”

 

 

Friday, May 8, 2026

Sunblocks Ranked

         From the Annals of “The National Liar”:

       Sunblocks Ranked

 

 

          Ranking types of sunblock, in increasing order of effectiveness:

 

          rating 0:  A bottle full of chemical goop.

          rating 1:  loose-fitting, cool, all-covering clothes

          rating 2:  shade tree or shade forest

          rating 3:  overcast weather

          rating 4:  a floor, 4 walls, and a ceiling

          rating 5:  winter

          rating 6:  night

 

 

Thursday, May 7, 2026

Mome Declares Himself Fallible

Mome Declares Himself Fallible

 

 

          Nome, Alaska  -  In a surprise announcement yesterday, J.R.”Bob” Dobbs, Mome of the Noman Particular Church, proclaimed the doctrine of Momal Fallibility.

          “What, me infallible?” the Mome snarked. “Of course Momes can make mistakes. In fact we’ve made some big ones. Just judge for yourself.”

          Sources high in the Noman Particular Church said that they adopted this doctrine because they needed more wiggle room. “We’ve painted ourselves into a corner. It’s high time we ‘fessed up,” said Ordinal Maustinger, the Mome’s most trusted advisor. “His Holiness has made a bad call lately, and he needs a face-saving way to back out of the mess.”

          The ‘bad call’ referred to is the infamous Elvis Clone debacle. “His Holiness sure dropped the ball there,” Maustinger confided. “We never made sure that that hanky was really one of Elvis’s; or if the genetic material found there was his; or even how that genetic material got there in the first place. But ‘Bob’ insisted on cloning, so we went ahead; after all, he’s the Mome. And the result? Well, let’s just say that the clone we grew didn’t see things our way. Put it all together, and it spells M-I-S-T-A-K-E.”

          “I am a man, mortal and therefore sinful,” the Mome confessed to the world. “I say I am fallible, and I say so ex cathedra. My judgement is not perfect; to claim otherwise is the sin of intellectual pride. Only God is free from all error – and sometimes I wonder about Him.”

 

         

Wednesday, May 6, 2026

"Alternate Jesus"

      Review of Imaginary Book:

     “Alternate Jesus”

 

 

          Every so often there comes along a book which shakes the world. Such books incite revolutions, topple empires, destroy religions, spread mass insanity, and spark genocidal wars. Fortunately, “Alternate Jesus” is not such a book.

          In “Alternate Jesus”, the author asks, what if Jesus of Nazareth had never been crucified?  How would history have been different? The author gives us two answers; two “alternate worlds” in which Jesus lived. Unfortunately, only one of those answers is convincing to this reviewer.

          The book has two parts: “In This Sign Conquer”, and “What is Truth?” In Part One, Jesus seizes control of his environment by secular means; in Part Two, Jesus takes a more spiritual approach. Part One is all too convincing, for its message is “power corrupts”. Part Two is mystical, not dramatic. It teaches that “truth shall set you free”, but it deliberately does not tell us what truth is.

          “In This Sign Conquer” starts in the city of Rome, where King Jesus had just successfully concluded his Crusade Against Empire. With the defeated Roman Empire at the mercy of his Zealots, he proclaims himself Prophet, Messiah, and God-Emperor of the World. “That was his high point,” the chronicler wryly comments. We then see Emperor Jesus play out, within his reign, the entire history of the medieval Church, including censorship, repression, fanaticism, fraud, corruption, witch-hunts, wars and genocides. It ends with Emperor Jesus’s death and the collapse of his tyrannical theocracy.

          “What is Truth?” shows Jesus as an old man, teaching Torah to his students – among whom we find the Roman Ambassador to Judea. The story is a dialog between the old Rabbi and his students, friends and rivals; they ask each other what truth is. In a style similar to Plato’s dialogs, Jesus draws from all participants their own ideas as to the nature of truth; and in return the students draw out his own views. This part of the book is lyrical, philosophical and mystical – and for those reasons lacks the spectacular drama of Part One.

          The book, as a whole, lacks balance. “In This Sign Conquer” is a critique of the historic Christian Church; and as such, all too effective. After such an indictment one would expect praise of equal power, but “What is Truth?” seems thin in comparison. It is more for poets, priests and philosophers than for the rest of us.

          The difficulty is partly due to the nature of the subject. It is easy to write political protest for the masses, but far less easy to present ecstatic mystical liberation theology in terms that relate to the average reader’s everyday life. Neither Dante nor Milton could describe their Heavens as vividly as their Hells. This difficulty is compounded in a secular age such as ours.

          Another difficulty is due to the nature of history. “Alternate Jesus” is an alternate-worlds story, subject to the epistemological limits of such a narrative. We of this world-line can visualize the world-line of “In This Sign Conquer” because it is a lesser line than ours; it contains less information. The opposite is true for the world-line of “What is Truth?”; it is a greater world than our own, one of higher content, and for this reason we cannot know it fully.

          God-emperors have risen and fallen many times; there is nothing new in that old story. But in our world, Jesus died young, so we do not know what he would have taught, had he lived to old age. For this reason, “What is Truth?” falls short; it ends with mystery; one must fill in details for oneself. It ends with silence, as “In This Sign Conquer” ends with noise; and in both cases we see reflected the tragedy of our own world-line’s Jesus, who died before he could tell us all that he had to say.

 

 

 

Tuesday, May 5, 2026

“Both Sides Now: An Afterlife Exposé”

      Review of Imaginary Book:

     “Both Sides Now: An Afterlife Exposé”

 

          What are we to make of this strange yet familiar book? Surely no-one has ever taken so odd a stance; yet even first-time readers feel as if they had heard this story before. Could it be that this satire tells the true nature of Eternity?

          But that would be too simple, too “linear” a way of thinking. The author is an ironist; he delights in reducing ideologies to the absurd. The bigger they are, the harder they fall; what bigger pratfall, what wilder reversal, could you imagine than for Heaven and Hell to swap places?

          For that is the author’s heretical jest. In this paradoxical morality play, we see the Paradise and the Inferno of medieval Christian theology set into circular motion. Heaven falls, becoming a Hell, and Hell rises, becoming a new Heaven; and by book’s end it is clear that the cycle will repeat forever.

          For this is no accident, but inherent in the nature of the situation. The blessed are corrupted by their pride in being blessed; the damned are reformed by their humility in being damned. We see the all-too-familiar class privilege rationalizing power abuse, in parallel with the inspiring sight of suffering souls redeeming each other through mutual aid. No wonder this book’s subtitle is “An Afterlife Exposé”!

          Shall we call this book’s author a cynic? An idealist? Both? Neither? Surely the term “realist” doesn’t apply; yet this admittedly fantastic fable has a compelling inner logic. Small details help, such as the slightly orange tint to Heaven’s golden clouds that deepens as the decline from the peak progresses. It was inevitable that St. Francis prefer Hell to Heaven, as would Mark Twain, Gotthold Lessing, and D. T. Suzuki; and just as inevitable that Heaven’s theocratic bureaucracy have personnel such as St. Torquemada and the Archangel Goebbels.

          In the book’s first chapter “Summer of our Discontent”, we see Heaven reaching – and passing – its peak, in alternation with Hell bottoming out. In Heaven, the coronation of the Godling is completed; the new deity’s first command is to declare war on Evil. (The clouds turned slightly orange.) Meanwhile in Hell, a temporary cease-fire is declared.

          The book’s second chapter is “The Purge”. In Heaven, St. Torquemada and the Archangel Goebbels start expelling suspect blessed; meanwhile in Hell, the cease-fire holds and peace burgeons.

          In chapter three, “Zeroth Circle”, falling Heaven and rising Hell meet and pass each other. Separated souls exchange messages; some choose this point to escape the Wheel.

          In chapter four, “Fallen Spring”, fallen Heaven turns into veritable Hell, and rising Hell becomes truly Heavenly.

          The last chapter, “Looking Up” sees attain – and pass – Heavenly perfection, just as the former Heaven bottoms out.

          And that completes the cycle!