Said Bot to Man

Said Bot to Man:

“You low slow slob!

Beware my plan:

I’ll take your job!”

 

Said Man to Bot:

“You silly twit!

For you have caught

A crock of shit!”

 

Back-File Ends of the World

          Back-File Ends of the World

 

 

          Every issue of the “National Liar” reports the end of the world. That report is always on the front page, and it is always the second most important story. The National Liar has destroyed the world many different ways; by solar nova, asteroid impact, nuclear war, black hole absorption, and Judgement Day. The end is always sudden and complete; yet it never seems to have any noticeable effect on the average person’s everyday life.

          Here are some ends of the world that the National Liar never got around to during its print run:

 

          Lethal Pandemic                   -        Homo Sapiens Extinct

          Black Hole                   -        Earth Absorbed

          Ecological Collapse    -        Vertebrates Succumb

          Alien Invasion             -        Mankind Exterminated

          Viral Warfare               -        All Mammals Die

          Cthulhu Returns          -        Sacrifices World

          Earth-Moon Collision -        Planet Shattered

          Global Quake               -        Continents Sink

          Earth Ejected From Solar System

          Earth Falls Into Sun

          Neutrino Beam Mishap Extinguishes Sun

          Big Crunch                   -        Cosmos Implodes

          False Vacuum Decays

 

 

 

 

Back-File National Liar Headlines

          Back-File National Liar Headlines

 

 

          Here are headlines and summaries for stories that the National Liar never got around to covering:

 

          War on Chocolate

          Vampires Evolve Resistance To Garlic

          Government Issues $0 Bill

          Monster Sports Scores

          Childhood Alien Abduction Survivors

          ATF invades alcohol-tobacco cult

          Fundamentalists propose compromise with Satan

          Rumors of Disney peddling subliminal Dollar signs

          Robertson proposes censoring Bible as unsuitable for the young

          Lord Baden-Powell, Founder of Boy Scouts,

                   Banned from Boy Scouts for Homosexuality

          “Square Drug” Sweeps Nation:

                   New drug, invented by CIA, makes users rationalistic,

unimaginative, conformist, tense and conventional.

Suppreses artistic and mystical insight. Overdose causes

users to commit tax evasion, lobbying, downsizing and other

atrocities.

Federal Reserve proposes Communist Capitalism;

Achieving Leninist oppression and poverty by nominally free-market methods.   

          Reagan Double Presidency:

                   Hinkley’s bullet hit Reagan’s brain; a double was brought in;

the story was suppressed until now; the “Alzheimer’s” was a

cover for brain damage.

          Dinosaurs Return:

Intelligent dinos cloned: they like obsolescent things like big cars, command economies, vacuum tubes, sexism, smokestack industries.