Nuclear War Games
a Modest Proposal
Upon agreed-upon occasions, participating contestant countries send the following to a host country:
A “shell”; that is, a nuclear bomb, minus chemical trigger-explosives and fissiles;
Chemical explosives and fissiles;
Blueprints for those nukes;
A modest entrance fee;
And a sizable entrance loan.
The shell, the explosives and the fissiles are handed over with great care and ceremony from participant countries to host country via their elite military forces. The entrance fee defrays the host’s country’s game-hosting expenses; and return of the loan depends upon the kilotonnage of the nukes.
Shell, explosives and fissiles then go to the test site, at a remote deserted area, at which there are glove boxes, deep mine-shafts, and many reporters with video cameras. On Trinity Day, representatives from the participating countries arrive at the test site. These representatives include their heads of state, so that they may witness the results personally. Those heads of state are inconvenienced no more than is inevitable in long hasty trips to and from remote deserted areas. That should suffice.
Before the bombs explode, the heads of state attend globally broadcasted speeches, by them and by invited speakers. One of those speakers, a “holy fool” wearing motley, is permitted and encouraged to warn, bewail, question, criticize, castigate, curse, mock, and satirize the assembled heads of state for their nuclear ambitions.
Each country’s team assembles their nukes in the glove boxes, under close surveillance by the host country. These nukes then go to the bottom of the mine shafts. The mine shafts are sealed off. The nukes explode. This has full global media coverage.
Right after the bombs explode, the heads of state go home.
All countries whose nukes do not achieve the kilotonnage goal forfeit their loans. The winning countries get back their loans, and the forfeited loans are distributed evenly among the winning countries and the host country.
Entrance loans are also forfeit if the nukes cause damage to the host country by exceeding the kilotonnage limit.
The blueprints, and the glove-box footage, is distributed, unedited, to the winning countries and the host country.
In addition to the loans, there may also be treaties whose terms depend upon the kilotonnage of the nukes. These “side bets” may cover exchanges of money, territory, alliances, trading arrangements, and other considerations that would otherwise require a war to settle.
No participating country may test their nukes any other way.
The point of the exercise is to impose order upon chaos via games and ritual. Nuclear war games are “virtual” nuclear wars; they have all the physical ferocity of nuclear war, but with zero casualties. This maximizes witnesses, and consequent political point. It is done under full global media scrutiny, with blueprints shared by the winners, in order to reduce uncertainty to a minimum; for the greatest terror is the unknown.
Unassembled nukes, with shell, trigger and fissiles stored separately, are “virtual” nukes, which all participating countries have by definition. Virtual nukes are reliable once they are tested in a virtual nuclear war. Unlike assembled nukes, virtual nukes do not threaten a first-strike attack; yet they resist first strike. It’s hard to nuke a nuke that isn’t there yet. So it’s best to not wake the dragon!
What’s in it for the participants? Splitting up the loser’s loans; global bragging rights; each other’s blueprints and glove-box footage; and a secure second-strike capability. The last one implies a stable nuclear peace.
When the last actual use of nukes was 1945, how is this modest proposal even relevant? Japan was some kind of stupid if they didn’t get back to us after Hiroshima, so we did Nagasaki 3 days later and ever since then we’ve all avoided nuclear war. The really expensive war is the usual conventional stuff like Iraq.
The USA has often used nukes, in the sense that pointing a gun at someone’s head and threatening to shoot is use of the gun even if it isn’t fired.
1945 was 75 years ago. Most everyone alive then is dead or elderly, so institutional memory fades. As usual the lessons of History need renewal by repeating History. 1945 also taught us that Nazis are evil losers, but now we got neo-Nazis. Here we go again?
Think of these Nuclear War games (a.k.a. Nuclear Blatancy Days) as refreshing institutional memories. Every new head of state should thus be hazed. Ideally this should terrorize the ruling classes while leaving us worker bees relatively unbothered. (Don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses. And we’re the horses.)
My nickname for Nuclear War Games: “Burning World”. Like Burning Man. You hadda be there, bro...