6. His Little List
Starbase Gandalf, Starbase Gandalf
on moon Gollum, this is Lieutenant Redshirt of the SS Undertaker, lasering in
report of Capone, planet 6, fly-by recon.
My trajectory took me past ice moon Hoover. All quiet. Then I
passed within 666 kilometers of Capone surface, over astrobleme Eliot. Ice
volcanoes Lanski and Corleone are dormant; Soprano is erupting.
Methane monsoons at the North Pole.
No life signs of any sort. I counted
two abandoned ice-mining operations.
The ice giant is lifeless, stark,
and beautiful. Magnificent desolation.
No enemy activity detected.
Redshirt out.
#
Roseanne, a.k.a. “Rosie”,
is the most populous world. It has:
Four seas:
Tropical: the Sea
of Beeyess, the Sea
of Ennen.
Polar: the Enbee
Sea, the Aybee
Sea
Six continents:
June, Edith, Harriet, Carole, Samantha and Donna.
Four large islands:
Icy polar Morticia,
temperate Debra, tropical Lucy,
and equatorial Louise.
The Isle of Lucy is an
island continent, just north of the Gilligan Archipelago on
the Sea of Beeyess.
Rosie has features such
as the Wilma Mountains, the Marge
River, the Jane Jungle and the Blondie
Desert.
The highest mountain on Rosie is Fred,
one of the Wilmas.
Lake Ness swarms with Nessie
lake monsters; a species of giant worm, a Rosie native, the most advanced
survivor of the 'mild' terraforming. Its favorite prey is the Gefilte; a skinless, boneless,
blob-like filterfeeder with limited mobility and an electric defense. Another
native is the Ludefisk, whose
defense is its foul taste. Near the lake is a chain of caustic sulphur hot springs; the Untouchables.
Rosie’s capital city is Kitchener,
on Edith, the largest temperate continent. Other cities: Lysol,
Mattel, Barbie. Lysol, on tropical June, has solar energy
as its major industry. Tonka, on northerly Donna, is the manufacturing
center. Barbie, on temperate southerly Samantha, is the financial center.
However, replicator economics may force Lysol to switch to tourism, Tonka to
sports and universities, and Barbie to fashion and entertainment.
Galactic Overlord
Malvolio’s arcology, the Ice
Palace,
is on polar Morticia.
College towns: Keane University is in the town of Pokey Oaks, Peabody Polytechnic is in Wayback, Miskatonic University is in
Lovecraft, Starfleet Academy
is in Roddenberry. There is also the Brooks
Institute, Cotter College, and Solomon State.
#
It
was on planet Roseanne, on continent Edith, in Kitchener, within the Ubermansion.
ZWEEENG…
Within
the replication chamber, streams of multicolored plasma converged and
condensed. A human form materialized.
Overlord
Malvolio winced, shook his head, and yelled, "Curses!"
The
Empress Dulgencia sniffed and said, “Your usual replication cry.”
The
Princess Belladonna wailed, “Oh, Daddy!”
He
snapped, “What happened this time?”
Malvolio stepped smartly out of the replication chamber. He was always quick to
get back on his feet after resurrection.
His
wife said, “What do you think? Your
daughter and I alone survived, and we fled here, to our Ubermansion.”
“And
my men?”
“We
have replicated them for you, dear.”
“Thank
you, dear.”
“You
are welcome. It is just as well that we left the Ice Palace.
The place simply reeks of blaster
smoke. It just hasn’t been the same since you narrowed all the ventilation ducts.”
“A
security measure, my Empress.”
“Yes,
yes, no more dreary rebels scuttling through them like mice! But that awful
burnt-meat stench isn’t due to just
that, or even all the battles. It’s your tantrums.”
“I
have to discipline my men, Empress.”
“You
have abandoned all restraint, dear.”
“I
don’t have time for this,” he said. “I must consult the Doctor.”
“To
plot your revenge, yet again? He’s in that playpen he calls his lab.”
“Then
I go.” And he went.
# # #
Dr.
Tesla Nechaev’s lab was well-lit and well-ventilated. It had halon fire
extinguishers, sprinklers, and a fire hose. Its Bunsen burners were bolted
down. This was on the Doctor’s orders; for he had learned the necessity of
these precautions, several bodies ago.
Doctor
Nechaev was at a lab-bench, scribbling something in a book. Next to him, and
stationed on the benches and wall niches, were Jacob’s Ladders going ZZEEET,
ZZEEET. Dr. Nechaev rose to greet the Overlord.
Malvolio
said, “We must take action.” The Jacob’s
Ladders went ZZEEET, ZZEEET.
“But
of course,” said the Doctor. “What do you have in mind?’
“I
think that – “ Malvolio paused. The Jacob’s Ladders went ZZEEET, ZZEEET. “Must
you run those damn things? Turn them off!”
Doctor
Nechaev flicked a switch. The Jacob’s Ladders went silent.
Overlord
Malvolio said, “What are those noisy,
useless, ozone-producing toys for?”
Tesla
Nechaev said, “My assistants.” He shrugged. “For some reason the Henches like Jacob’s Ladders.”
“Well…
they do make a statement,” Malvolio
conceded. He paused and said, “We
have to make a Statement. Something dramatic. Something… memorable.”
Nechaev
said, “But the massacres are no longer having any effect.”
Malvolio
said, “Is our Ultimate Weapon still being tested?”
Nechaev
said, “No, the graviton emitter is fully operational. It is continuously
pre-charged, and its targets are continually recalculated.”
Overlord
Malvolio said, “Good! Finally! Nobody ever conquered the world with a device in
beta version! Maintain it in readiness.”
Nechaev
said, “Do you intend to use it any time soon?”
Malvolio
said, “That’s on a need-to-know basis, and you don’t need to know,” and left.
# # #
Overlord
Malvolio took the elevator down to his Ubermansion’s sub-sub-sub-basement.
There he went down a corridor, through an airlock, past a checkpoint with
retinal scan, past another checkpoint with keypad, and down a spiral staircase.
The
big red neon sign over the doorway read MASTER CONTROL NEXUS. Malvolio strode
through the doorway, put his hands on his hips, and looked around.
All
was in order. There were the banks of computers, bleeping, chirping, spinning
tapes and blinking lights. There were the dozens of work-stations, all facing
away from the door. There were the wall-sized screens, displaying a
constantly-changing stream of data.
And
there was the control panel with the big red SELF-DESTRUCT button. Malvolio
smiled and he stroked the soul-patch on his chin. He looked up, and there was
the blaster, aimed to incinerate anybody stupid enough to push the big red
SELF-DESTRUCT button.
He
went to the big black egg-shaped chair at the center of the room. He got in,
leaned back, and rested his feet on top of a panel, pressing buttons at random
with the heels of his boots. It made no difference, none of them controlled a
blessed thing. But the tapes spun, the lights flashed in such pretty colors,
the panels bleeped and chirped… Malvolio said to himself, “You’d think that all
these computers had to be doing something important…”
The
Overlord smiled.
“Next,
the real control center.” He got up
and left the decoy control room.
Out
the door, up the staircase, through checkpoints and airlock, up the elevator,
and down the hall to a door marked ‘Janitor’. Inside were brooms, cleaning
supplies, a sink, and another door, marked ‘Sewage Overflow Containment’.
Behind
that door was a small, dimly-lit
closet with a card table and a folding chair. On the card table was a book, and
also a laptop plugged into the wall.
He
opened the laptop. It blinked on. Its screen read, “Password to Weapons
Control?”
Malvolio
said, “Andover’s
a bachelor. He’ll never guess this,” and he typed Dulgie.
The
laptop blinked, then showed a list of weapons systems. Malvolio scrolled down
to the bottom to click on ‘Graviton Emitter’. The laptop’s screen read,
“Password for Ultimate Weapon?“
Following
the same logic as before, Malvolio typed Belladonna.
The
laptop blinked. Then its screen read, “Display target menu?”
“I’ve
got a little list… They’d none of them be missed…” he sang. He clicked on
‘Yes’.
The
laptop blinked, then displayed:
MY LITTLE LIST
On Elvis, luminary: no settlements.
On Marilyn, hot gasball: no
settlements.
On Roseanne, rock: Kitchener
Lysol
Mattel
Barbie
Ice Palace
Pokey
Oaks
Wayback
Lovecraft
Bullwinkle
Roddenberry
On Dan, moon of
Roseanne: Touchdown
Starbase
Alpha
Danport
On Liberty, large rock: no settlements.
On Columbia,
moon of Liberty: Jefferson
Franklin
Edison
Twain
Groucho
Satchmo
Dylan
Babe
Ruth
On Sam, moon of Columbia: no settlements
Orbiting Sam: The Department of Redundancy Department
On Crowley, medium gasball: no settlements
On Dobby, moon of Crowley: Potter
On Gollum, moon of Crowley: Starbase
Gandalf
Orbiting Frodo, ring-moonlet: Samwise
Orbiting planetoid Batman: Robin
Orbiting planetoid Superman: Lois
Orbiting planetoid Pikachu: Meowth
On Multivac, large cold gasball: no
settlements.
On Arthur, moon of
Multivac: Rama
On Isaac, moon of
Multivac: Trantor
On Robert, moon of
Multivac: Podkayne
On Larry, moon of
Multivac: Starbase Wu
On Verne, trailing
Trojan: Starbase Nemo
On Welles, leading
Trojan: Tono-Bungay
On Capone, large iceball: no
settlements
On Hoover, moon of Capone: no settlements
On Murphy, small iceball: no settlements
On Blackegg, stellar companion black
hole: no settlements
On Loser, small rock: no
settlements
On Terminus, small rock:
no settlements.
All
of the Above
None
of the Above
Malvolio
shook his head. “After centuries of colonizing, we’ve barely touched the Elvis system!” He clicked on
None of the Above; for that was the only way to exit the program.
The
screen read, “Are you sure you want to fire on None of the Above?” He clicked
Yes.
The
screen read, “Firing on None of the Above.”
Then
it read, “Firing sequence complete. Have a nice day!”
The
Overlord closed the laptop and picked up the book. Written on the front cover,
in his own hand, were the words ‘Learning Curve’. It was his death-lesson book,
and it was time for him to write in yet another death-lesson.
But
first a review. He looked fondly at the first entry:
“If the rebels manage to trick me,
then I will make a note of what they did so that I do not make the same mistake
over and over again.”
He
thought, Ah yes, those were the days! Malvolio skimmed through the rest of the
text, flipping past pages crammed with the writings of previous copies of
himself. He read:
“My ventilation ducts will be too
small to crawl through.”
“Shooting is not too good for my enemies.”
“I will not gloat over my enemies’
predicament before killing them.”
“When an enemy says, “Look, before
you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is about?”, I will first shoot
him, and then I will say 'No'.”
“When an enemy is caught in one of
my death-traps, I will watch and wait until it finishes its work before l Ieave
the scene.”
“I will never say, 'Yes I did it,
and you will never prove it to that old fool.' The odds are, that old fool’s
hiding behind the curtain.”
“I will never utter the sentence,
'Before I kill you, there is one thing I want to know'.”
“I will never utter the words: 'No,
this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!'”
“Despite its stress-relieving
effects, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. Too distracting.”
“I will never build only one of
anything important. All important systems will have redundant power supplies
and control panels. I will also carry at least two fully charged weapons at all
times.”
“My pet monster will be kept in a
secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I will not accidentally
stumble.”
“No giant robots. They’re low
performance at high price.”
“I will not kill the messenger. Good
messengers are hard to come by.”
“I will be neither chivalrous nor
sporting; so I will never agree to let an enemy go free if they win a
challenge, even if it is rigged and my advisers assure me that success is
impossible.”
“If my advisers ask, 'Why are you
risking everything on such a mad scheme?', then I will not proceed until I have
a response that satisfies them.”
“If an enemy runs up to the roof,
then I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push
him over the edge. Nor will I engage with him at the edge of a cliff. And a
fight in the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is right out.”
“If I am eating dinner with an
enemy, put poison in his goblet, and then have to leave the table for any
reason, then I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide
whether or not to switch with him.”
“If I decide to hold a double
execution of an enemy and an underling who failed or betrayed me, then I will
execute the enemy first.”
“My door mechanisms will be designed
so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door, and blasting
the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.”
“The gun turrets of my Ubermansion
will not rotate far enough to direct fire inward.”
“My equipment will not be activated
by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally
wounded.”
“I will not employ robots as agents
of destruction if there is any possible way they could be re-programmed, or if
their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.”
“I will not force two of my enemies
to fight each other in the arena.”
“I will not have captives of one sex
guarded by members of the opposite sex.”
“The hallways of my Ice Palace
will be well-lit. Every room will have a fire extinguisher.”
“If I burst into rebel headquarters
and find it deserted except for an odd blinking device, then I will not walk up
and investigate; I will run like hell.”
“All repair work will be done by an
in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged ‘repairmen’ who show up at the fortress
will be escorted to the dungeon.”
“I will not wear long, heavy cloaks.
Nor will I have long fingernails, or a goatee.”
“My force-field generators will be
inside the field they generate.”
“My vats of hazardous chemicals will
be covered when not in use. I will not construct walkways over them.”
“I will never place the key to a
cell just out of a prisoner’s reach.”
“I will never bet double or
nothing.”
“All of my robots will be
waterproof.”
“All of my computer systems will
have firewalls and virus scans.”
“My security checkpoints will
require passwords, physical keys, and biometrics; that is, something you know,
something you have, and something you are.”
“I will never say, ‘This one is
mine!’ and engage in a hand-to-hand struggle with an enemy or one of his
allies.”
“When I say to an enemy, ‘we are
very much alike, my friend,’ I will remember that even if we are much alike, I
am still not his friend.”
“I will not employ devious schemes
that involve my enemy’s party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is
sprung.”
Overlord
Malvolio read that last entry and sighed. He thought, One death for each of these little lessons! They add up, they add up…
how long has this war been going on?
And what about this time? Malvolio gritted his teeth and wrote:
“During an escape, I will not stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.”
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