The Counteroffer

          If I were running a campaign: the Counteroffer

If I were running a campaign, and an agent of Putin offered a volunteer of mine dirt on my opponent, then how would I respond? If I were Don Jr. then I’d say “I love it”. If I were Hillary Clinton, then who knows? Maybe say the same, maybe contact the FBI first. Something secret and centrist.

But if I were me, then here is my fantasy of a response:

********

Dear Vladimir Putin:

Attached find email from one of your workers to one of mine. He offered embarrassing information about my opponent, in exchange for unstated policy considerations. I send this counter-offer to you indirectly, through your agent and others.

It is conventional for a politician in my position to affect a pose of affronted virtue. To appeal to my base, I should say something like, “How dare you presume to purchase my policies! And how dare you meddle in America’s sovereign election!” But I am a skeptic, and you are a cynic, and a skeptic or a cynic should be quick to recall that America has meddled in plenty of elections; and that the positions of politicians are notoriously for sale.

But though we Americans, being human, are hypocrites, nonetheless I insist that hypocrisy is the tribute that vice pays to virtue; and that the virtues we Americans hypocritically preach include free speech, fair play, and openness. Therefore the following is my counter-offer:

1. You may tell the world whatever you want to about my opponent, however vile or scurrilous, truthful or fictitious. Don’t hold back! Tell us what you really think! That’s free speech.

... provided that...

2. You also dish out just as much dirt, just as vile and scurrilous, and just as truthful or fictitious, about me. That’s fair play.

... and in addition...

3. While dishing all this dirt, you let the world know that the one dishing it is you. That’s openness.

So lie all you want to about my opponent, but lie just as much about me, and sign the lies. That’s my counter-offer, take it or leave it.

Yours sincerely,

Nathaniel Hellerstein

Attachment:

email text of agent’s offer

Sent to:

that agent

my opponent

DNC

RNC

other parties

various print, video and online outlets

late-night comedians