Forbidden Documents, 2 of 4: the Unconstitution

          The Unconstitution

 

           FEWER CALORIES THAN EVEN THE LEADING BRAND!

 

          Preamble

          We the people, in order to form a more perfect anarchy, establish mercy, insure domestic vitality, provide against the common offense, prevent general warfare, and liberate ourselves and our posterity from the curse of national security, do ordain and establish this SOCIAL CONTRACT for a Limited Anarchy.

          We the people admit that government would not be necessary if we were perfect angels; but due to manifold political errors we are now saddled with a gang of egotistical crooks who believe that they control things; that unfortunately those crooks possess noisy, violent, and deadly terror weapons; that we are thus compelled to conform with some pretense of legitimate government; and FOR ALL THESE REASONS we do hereby denounce, accuse, revile, deride, satirize, ridicule, mock, curse, and otherwise regretfully acknowledge the vile necessity for this unconstitutional form of nongovernment.

          To any carping critics who object that the above paragraph contradicts itself, we the people reply: very well then, we contradict ourselves. We are large, we contain multitudes.

          Let it be known that this Unconstitution is an experiment in natural meta-law; and as such it must be inherently paradoxical. Doubt this document!

          For consider this: all government officers are watchmen. Their job is to watch all those, and only those, who do not watch themselves.

          But who shall watch the watchmen?

          Strategic Advice

          The above-mentioned crooks would gladly dispense with legitimacy and explicitly make themselves tyrannical predators upon the people were it not for two incontrovertible facts:
          First, that they would destroy themselves by internal wars;
          And second, that we the people are not without our own resources.

          Therefore those crooks produce the spectacle of so-called civil politics, which we the people tolerate, in order to limit the savagery of power.

          This document proposes to curb the hideous appetites of corrupt systems by means of these three strategies:

          Separation of Powers;
          Empty Oaths, Forms, and Ceremonies;
          Circuit-Breakers.

          By separation of powers we mean any permanent unresolvable internal conflicts and contradictions that we the people can impose upon this anarchic state;

          By empty oaths, forms, and ceremonies we mean any preposterous and impressive legal fictions and fantasies that shall flatter the vanity of power-seekers while enmeshing them in futility;

          And by circuit-breakers we mean any mad, inspired, surreal jests (such as this entire document) that shall forcefully remind all concerned that the whole business is a farce that should not be taken too seriously.

          All Gall

          This anarchic state shall be divided into three parts: the House of Cruelty, also known as the Bad House, or Executive; the House of Weakness, also known as the Sad House, or Judiciary; and the House of Folly, also known as the Mad House, or Legislature. Each house shall, in its fashion, tend to imitate one of the immortal Three Stooges; respectively Moe, Larry, and Curly.

          The Badhouse shall represent the interests of the state. It shall be ruled by clever flattery, arrogant impositions, brutal violence, and above all, by withheld threats. In this state of anarchy it shall be plagued by separation of powers.

          The Sadhouse shall represent the interests of tradition. It shall be ruled by consensus, logic, precedent, and above all, by the dead hand of the past. In this state of anarchy it shall be plagued by empty oaths, forms, and ceremonies.

          The Madhouse shall represent the interests of the market. It shall be ruled by voting, wheeling, dealing, demagoguery, insane mass passions, and above all, by money. In this state of anarchy it shall be plagued by circuit-breakers.

          No Badhouse prisoner shall be expected to act with the slightest justice; nor shall any Sadhouse patient be expected to act with the slightest power; nor shall any Madhouse denizen be expected to act with the slightest logic.

          Those persons may nonetheless, at their personal discretion, attempt to express their native justice, power, and logic, but sensible people should not expect them to succeed.

 

          Nobody for President

          Within the Badhouse, force reigns. Beware! War is Hell, and the State is the Devil!

          This anarchy's chief executive shall be a hardship post chosen by lot, or even as a punishment. That chief executive shall be called the Vice President; this for two reasons.

          First of all, to continually remind all the world of the vicious nature of government.

          But far more important, to continually remind the Vice President of his or her subordination to the President.

          The office of the Presidency is a unique one, with unique powers and responsibilities forbidden to all others; hence only a unique personage may rightfully occupy it. An anarchy is a state with no archon; therefore, in this anarchy, the President shall be Nobody.
          These are the powers that Nobody rightfully possesses:

          Nobody has limitless power to rob.

          Nobody has limitless power to torture.

          Nobody has limitless power to murder.

          Taxation is robbery; punishment is torture; and war is murder. These are the keys to power; they are, respectively, its motive, its method, and its opportunity.

          Nobody should have absolute power. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely; so Nobody should be absolutely corrupt. Therefore Nobody should be President.

          Any officer proven in court to be guilty of presidential behavior, as defined by any single item in the Bill of Particulars, shall be expelled from office, and subject to appropriate criminal penalties.

          Any other office may also be permanently occupied by Nobody, if the people so choose.

          This very document would rather be right than be President.

          Any Badhouse officer merely suspected by the people of desiring presidential power - and they all do - shall be deemed fair game for Custard Pie Assassination. (See below.)

          Forbidding Forbidden

          Within the Sadhouse, memory reigns; but memory is not the same thing as good sense.

          We the people, most of whom are not lawyers, do hereby acknowledge our abysmal ignorance and ineptitude concerning legal matters, and thus ignominiously surrender to the sharklike lawyer tribe complete power to arrange the appropriate empty oaths, forms, and ceremonies, subject only to these considerations:

          That those empty oaths, forms, and ceremonies impede the efficiency of government;

          That they amaze, impress, and mystify the uninitiate;

          That they make a mockery of justice;

          That they bear minimal relevance to the daily concerns of the people;

          That they impede those daily concerns minimally;

          And above all, that the entire farce can be dispensed with at a moment's notice, should any real work need to be done.

          We the people require this, knowing full well that we are merely demanding that lawyers do what comes naturally to them; for this document is a treatise on natural law.

          In return for these services, we the people offer to pay NOT ONE ZINC CENT. For let it be known to all humankind that all lawyers are sad cases who ought to be confined to the Sadhouse until they regain the strength for honest labor.

          Any lawyer who rebels against the above arrangements shall be deemed fair game for Custard Pie Assassination.

          Steal This State

          Within the Madhouse, chaos reigns; a situation ripe for profitable exploitation by ambitious entrepreneurs.

          To this end they shall use biased polls, rigged elections, gerrymandered apportionments, partial censuses, cynical logrolling, corrupt deals, scams, frauds, swindles, lies, damned lies, and statistics; all in an attempt to deceive the people.

          We the people are not deceived. In fact, we are amused.

          We already know that every Madhouse denizen is a schemer out to acquire wealth, either honestly or otherwise.

          Any denizen of the Madhouse claiming to be a virtuous idealist, or a defender of the people, or an altruist with a plan to tax us for our own good, is either a liar or a fool, and in either case fair game for Custard Pie Assassination.

 

 

          The Boobytrap

          It would be pointless for this Unconstitution to mandate the separation of powers; for we the people already know that officers will do anything they damn well please.

          But let those officers be hereby warned; no single House can successfully act alone, due to their intrinsic flaws. The Badhouse's cruelty would cause mass rage and resistance; the Sadhouse's weakness would cause outright failure; and the Madhouse's folly would cause absurd fiascos.

          Therefore any governmental action shall, in practice, require the support of at least two of the three Houses. Furthermore, it is in the political interest of each House to make the other two Houses struggle against each other.

          We the people approve. Let's you and them fight.

 

 

 

 

          The Curse of Government

          Every newly drafted Badhouse prisoner shall affirm the following empty oath:
"I am a rogue, a scoundrel, and an unscrupulous knave. Expect no good from me."

          Every newly appointed Sadhouse patient shall affirm the following empty oath:
"I am a pedant, a quibbler, and a hairsplitting drone. Expect no use from me."

          Every newly elected Madhouse denizen shall affirm the following empty oath:
"I am a hack, a huckster, and a shameless hypocrite. Expect no sense from me."

          Thus we the people may rest assured that all officers in this state of anarchy shall utter the truth at least once.

         

          Custard Pie Assassination

          Throughout the long and painful history of humankind, it has been the invariable custom for politicians to resort to assassination during their corrupt power struggles; therefore, in the interest of civilization, let us acknowledge this custom, the better to administer it in a humane and orderly fashion, with minimal loss of life.

          Since the state is a symbol based upon murder, let this state of anarchy be based upon symbolic murder. Therefore let it be customary, in this anarchy, that if any government officer were to be struck gently, firmly, and directly upon the face by a custard pie, before witnesses, then that officer shall be deemed officially assassinated.

          Other soft or liquid foods may substitute for the custard pie, provided that their impact be harmless and humiliating.

          Officially assassinated persons shall be deemed dead in the eyes of the law. They shall be expelled from all offices in perpetuity; nor shall their official power, official finances, nor any other official roles be acknowledged by any serious persons in positions of authority.

          And let it also be customary that the assassinated officer be permitted by the people to escape from the assassination scene with life and limb intact.