In praise of hypocrisy, 4 of 8

           Absolute Hypocrisy

          But such grace is not the main business of hypocrisy. Defensive hypocrisy is a side effect; a reactive ‘lesser evil’ that’s ashamed of itself; but this essay praises shameless hypocrisy. This essay is about ‘offensive’ hypocrisy, proud proactive uber-hypocrisy, aggressive hypocrisy considered as an end in itself. This essay praises what defensive hypocrisy is defending itself against.

          This essay praises the virtue of hypocrisy; that is, the lack of integrity that calls itself integrity. This is for the people whose one rule is that there are no rules, and whose one God is that there is no God. This essay is in praise of the Absolute Hypocrisy of the Great.

          Absolute hypocrisy is how the powerful get and keep power. It dominates religion, politics, and commerce. We wage war for it; we make peace by it. Absolute hypocrisy is planned, systematic, ruthless, ambitious, unbalanced and self-righteous. Absolute hypocrisy deludes absolutely. It is not a bug, nor a feature; it is the operating system.

          Relative hypocrisy is to absolute hypocrisy as the guilty alibis of a normal crook are to the proud brags of a hardened sociopath. Relative hypocrisy evades its contradictions; absolute hypocrisy flaunts them, indeed makes them the core of its argument. Relative hypocrisy lies whenever it must; absolute hypocrisy lies whenever it can. The point is to overwhelm the victim’s capacity for critical thought. Enough little lies can build a Big Lie. Thus absolute hypocrisy is a crime against reason itself. Its ideal is doublethink.

          All those who aspire to absolute hypocrisy must eventually explain why up is down. If they pass the test, then power is theirs, and they have nowhere to go but up - or in other words, down.

          Up is down because that’s convenient. Once up is down, then yes is no, and false is true, and best of all, failure is success. (Or, to be precise, your failure is now theirs, and their success is now yours. How convenient for you, but not for them.) Once up is down, then facts are no longer stubborn, indeed are no longer facts.

          One stubborn fact remains; that although it’s convenient to you for up to be down, it would not be convenient to you for others to know that’s why up is down. No, up must be down for reasons entirely unrelated to you; so up is down for reasons that are not reasons. How fitting, for a crime against reason.

          Absolute hypocrisy is passionate. It defies logic, law, ethics, duty, honor, common sense, common decency, and all self-restraint. Most people can’t even imagine such debauchery, nor that such vice would call itself virtue. Most people are too sane, too humane, too decent to even dream such nightmares, unless they witness it themselves, with their own waking eyes. Thus absolute hypocrisy is educational, for those who survive it.

          It has certainly taught me a lot, lately.

In praise of hypocrisy, 3 of 8

           Relative Hypocrisy

          Others have written ironic praises of hypocrisy; but most focus on the defensive type. Apologetics for hypocrisy follow a familiar line; it’s the lesser of two evils, everybody does it, don’t rock the boat, and so on. Note the de Rochefoucauld aphorism quoted above.

          Even critics of hypocrisy admit its power. Take Disraeli, who said that a conservative society is an organized hypocrisy. Well, at least it’s organized!

          It would be hypocritical indeed to begrudge to others the defensive duplicity that comes naturally to all, including oneself. So let the begrudging begin!

          Relative hypocrisy has one plausible defense; maybe the virtues it undermines aren’t really virtues. Consider Huckleberry Finn, who refused to betray his escaped slave friend, even though that was against everything he’d been taught was right. Huck thought he was in the wrong; but instead it was his whole world that was wrong.

          Commitment to a false virtue is another false virtue. When false virtue rules, then relative hypocrisy is a false vice.

         

 

 

In praise of hypocrisy, 2 of 8

           The Virtue of Hypocrisy

          Hypocrisy is a virtue because it is convenient. Hypocrisy liberates word from bondage to deed. It socializes costs, privatizes profit, afflicts the afflicted, and comforts the comfortable. By virtue of hypocrisy, your actions can be judged on the basis of your reputation, rather than the other way around. It’s a double-win; it yields all the benefits of actual virtue, for none of the sacrifice.
          Its opposite, sincerity, yields opposite results; all of the sacrifice, none of the benefit. No wonder, then, that hypocrisy prevails. Both masses and elites prefer it to sincerity. The rich, the poor, the young, the old, men, women, parents, teenagers and children; all play double games. Hypocrisy is universally praised - by deeds, if not by words.
          And why not? Hypocrisy has a kind of integrity; it’s loyal to the principle of self-interest. Mind you, it’s a moment-by-moment illusion of self-interest; it’s doomed to fail, of course; but when it does, why even that can be repackaged as apparent success, and so serve much the same function as actual success. Here we see the self-validating nature of hypocrisy; it simply dismisses refutation. It’s disproof-proof.
          Hypocrisy is a lie, and there are three kinds of lies; white, gray, and black. White lies are harmless, indeed benevolent; they avoid embarrassment and spare hurt feelings. Gray lies are the half-truths that people stoop to in self-defense. They are regrettable but inevitable. Black lies are the brazen lies of a career criminal. They are crimes in and of themselves. Similarly, there are three kinds of hypocrisy; everyday hypocrisy, relative hypocrisy, and absolute hypocrisy.

         

In praise of hypocrisy, 1 of 8

         In Praise of Hypocrisy
                            

          What is Hypocrisy?

  

          Hypocrisy is artificial excellence, counterfeit merit and fiat piety. It’s the pretense of having some virtue that one does not in fact possess. Its symbol is the mask, or the bubble; a surface concealing emptiness.

          According to de Rochefoucauld, “Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue.” And just what kind of homage? Merely the sincerest form; imitation.

          Most essays about hypocrisy condemn it as a vice, indeed as a corruption of morality itself. They warn us of the hypocrite’s dishonor, criminality and malice. Those moral warnings are admirable; but this essay praises hypocrisy as a virtue.

           I write this contrarian essay in honor of a certain politician. He inspired me by force of example. And who is this avatar of absolute hypocrisy? I decline to state. (That’s so you can judge the case fairly, since you don’t know who I’m talking about.)

          It all started with me fuming at the latest reports. The scandal du jour was particularly stinky, and I’d share it with you now if only I could recall that one outrage out of so many. The crime itself didn’t bother me that much - I’ve grown jaded by their antics - no, what got to me was the criminal gang’s attitude towards their crime. Their sheer effrontery. The cover story was shoddy; they didn’t even try to make sense. What disrespect! What brazen hypocrisy! So I fumed.

          Then I stopped to think. What use was my indignation? Why wear myself out with invective, and to whom was I to address it? To the powerless? They’ll merely agree. To the powerful? They’ll merely ignore. Since it’s pointless and rude to speak truth to power, why not instead say something nice to power? Rather than criticize hypocrisy (and corruption, deceit, criminality, malice, and so on) why not praise it?

          That’s how this essay got started. Therefore I dedicate it to a certain politician so worthy of being honored here that I refuse to stain these pages with his infamous name.

         

 

 

On Anti-Infernalism in Popular Culture

           On Anti-Infernalism in Popular Culture

 

 

The web-video shows “Hazbin Hotel”, “The Good Place”, and “Good Omens” preach a religious heresy that I call anti-infernalism: the belief that eternal Hell does not exist, cannot exist, and should not exist; nor should it be feared or preached, for moral and spiritual reasons.

These shows, and others, practice religious critique via dramatic art. They show us a fairly standard religious image, then take it at face value and set it into action so we can watch it collapse in a way both entertaining and thought-provoking.

Anti-infernalism uses reason and imagination to confront and defeat psychotic religious shibboleths. It is satire, which attacks wickedness and folly by reducing both to the absurd.

I have faith that it will be resisted.

 

 

A Warning, a Promise, and an Explanation

A Warning, a Promise, and an Explanation

 

A Warning:

There will be pain. There will be loss.

There will be darkness and death.

Your world will be destroyed, and within it, you.

That is your doom.

 

A Promise:

You will help to create a new world.

It will rise in light and joy.

That is your destiny.

 

An Explanation:

That’s what makes the world a world

and you, you.

 

Forbidden Documents, 4 of 4: Epilog: "Pieing the Veep"

      Epilog: “Pieing the Veep”

 

          Part 1. The Conspiracy

          “Vice‑President Torgesson must be pied!”

          The members of the Board nodded and all spoke at once, in a hubbub. The Chairman of the board glared around the room, then pounded his gavel. “Ladies and gentlemen, order please!” The members of the Select Adhocracy for Assassinations settled down. “Now you all know it as well as I do; the Vice is out of control, and needs to be stopped!”

          “Defcon alerts, states of emergency, classified information, covert actions, executive degrees...” the General grumbled. “That’s Presidential behavior!”

          “But ‑  assassination?” said Madame Senator. “Won’t that be... expensive?”

          The chairman nodded at the Banker, who said, “No problem. This operation has full corporate sponsorship.”

          “The media will get its cut, too,” said the chairman. “You’ll need to co‑ordinate with them through Ms. Armstrong here.” The banker and the anchorwoman nodded politely at each other.

          The General added, “We will attend to security matters. But we’ll need a diversionary force ‑ and also a witness crew to accompany my strike team.”

          The chairman said, “For the first, co‑ordinate with the peace demonstrators. Ms. Berkeley here will be your liason.” Another nod. “For the second, contact Armstrong.”

          Madame Senator commented, “Assassination is certainly a crime; and any crime requires motive, method, and opportunity. Torgesson’s record constitutes our motive. Now we have funding, coverage, muscle, and eyes. That constitutes method. Now all we need is an opportunity.”

          “Well put, Senator,” the chairman said.

          He pushed a button, then said into a grill, “Send him in.”

          The door to the room opened, letting in bright light. The members of the Select Adhocracy turned; squinting, they saw the silhouette of a man smoking a pipe.

          The chairman said, “Come in, Mr. Dobbs, come in. Sit down and make yourself comfortable. We have a little job for you...”

 

 

          Part 2. The Betrayal

 

          Vice President Torgesson stood in the Oval Office of the Black House. He stood straight and tense, hands gripping each other behind his back. He stood at the window of the Oval Office, staring out the window of the Oval Office, glaring out the Black House window at the raucous and chaotic demonstration booming outside the Black House gates.

          He asked, “Bob, why are they doing this to me?” He waved his hand at the demo. “Don’t they know all that I’ve done for them?”

          Mr. Dobbs approached. “They don’t, of course,” he soothed. “How could they?”

          “I suppose not. But still... look at that mob! How can they make so much noise, Bob?”

          “I think I see a rock band playing over there... and isn’t that a big‑screen TV?”

          “Bah! They treat it like a game, a party! But this is Government! We have serious work to do here, Bob!”

          “Just so,” said the Veep’s closest advisor. “Which is what I wanted to talk to you about. There’s something they want you to know.”

          Torgesson turned and asked, “Who do you mean? And what?”

          “I mean Them,” said Bob Dobbs. “And as for what I mean...You’ve read the Unconstitution? Of course you have. You remember how it ends? ‘Throughout the long and painful history of humankind, it has been the invariable custom for politicians to resort to assassination during their corrupt power struggles...’ ”

          “Yes, I remember that part,” the Veep said, looking thoughtful.

          “ ‘...therefore, in the interest of civilization, let us acknowledge this custom, the better to administrate it in a humane and orderly fashion, with minimal loss of life.’ ”

          “Interesting,” said the Vice President. “Whom should we take out?”

          “You don’t understand,” said Bob. “This isn’t about them. It’s about you.”

          “What?!”

          “ ‘Since the state is a symbol based upon murder, let this state of anarchy be based upon symbolic murder’,” Bob continued.

          “They’re planning to assassinate me?”

          Bob nodded. “ ‘Therefore let it be customary, in this anarchy, that if any government officer were to be struck gently, firmly, and directly upon the face by a custard pie, before witnesses, then that officer shall be deemed officially assassinated.’ ”

          “A Custard Pie Assassination? For ME??!”

          “Yup,” said Bob.

          “This is an outrage! It’s... low farce!”

          “Better than high tragedy. ‘Other soft or liquid foods may substitute for the custard pie, provided that their impact be harmless and humiliating.’ ”

          “Why?!”

          “ ‘Officially assassinated persons shall be deemed dead in the eyes of the law. They shall be expelled from all offices in perpetuity; nor shall their official power, official finances, nor any other official roles be acknowledged by any serious persons in positions of authority.’ ”

          “A coup, is it!” Torgesson roared. He rushed to a window, looked out, and said, “They’re opening the gate!”

          “The guards have been bribed,” said Bob.

          The Veep rushed to the Oval Office desk, and yelled into a mike, “Security!”

          “Even the elite guards have been bribed,” said Bob, “or else detained.”

          “We’ve got to get away! We have a few minutes, maybe they won’t find us!”

          Bob shook his head, slowly. Then (slowly) he opened his jacket and removed a small electronic device. Its red light was blinking. “Radio locator device. It’s been running all this time. The pieman knows we’re right here.”

          Sudden pounding at the Oval Office door.

          “That should be him now,” said Bob.

          “You betrayed me!”

          “Yes. I too was bribed.”

          “How?!”

          “ ‘And let it also be customary that the assassinated officer be permitted by the people to escape from the assassination scene with life and limb intact.’ ”

          The Oval Office door burst open, and the strike team rushed in.

 

 

          Part Three. The Act.

 

          Torgesson attempted to flee, but was quickly caught and pinioned by four beefy linebackers. Cameramen and photographers closed in as he struggled to escape, in vain. Then, bringing up the rear, the Pieman came.

          The Pieman wore the traditional gorilla suit and bore the traditional custard pie. The newsmen parted before him. Some saluted.

          “How traditional! No cutting corners on this assassination!” Bob thought to himself as he turned his back and thoughtfully puffed on his pipe. Outside the 50‑foot TV was showing a live shot of the action. “Live network coverage!” Bob mused.

          From behind him Bob heard the splat of pie hitting face.

          The crowd roared.