The Boggy Guitar, 1 of 5

          The Boggy Guitar

          (after the Bhagavad-Gita)

1.    The Paid Piper

One night in the ’Nam, a grunt met a superstar. The grunt was the superstar’s greatest fan – and greatest match.

It happened backstage at a USO show. Elvis had just checked out of his dressing room when he found Rambo wandering around. Rambo was backstage without a pass; and worse, he was out of uniform!

Angry and a bit scared, Elvis said, “Wheah yo’ weapons, private?”

Rambo said, “I trew ’em away. I don’ want ’em.”

Worse and worse! “Yew look lahk a gaw-dam hippy!”

Rambo said, “Don’ be scared, I don’ wanna hoit no-one.”

“Yew outta line, mista!”

“I know. Dat’s why I come ta see ya.”

“Is somethin’ botherin’ yew, boy?”

To Elvis’s surprise, Rambo went down on his knees. Genuflecting before his idol, Rambo said, “Please, man. You my hero. I worship you, man! You a superstar! So I’m beggin’ ya. I’m prayin’. Please help me figger sumpin’ out.”

Elvis smiled his usual half-sneer. He put his hand on Rambo’s head, and he said, “Ah’m always willin’ to give spiritual comfort and guidance to one o’ mah dee-voted fayuns. What’s troublin’ yew, son?”

Rambo got to his feet and said, “It’s dis S&D mission to Mee Lie I’m sposta go on tomorrow. Y’see…”

“Hold on,” said Elvis. “What’s Mee Lie?”

Rambo shrugged. “Some gook village or da udda. Nobody’s eva hoid of it befo’.”

“Ah shore ain’t,” said Elvis. “And what’s S&D?”

Rambo said, “Search and destroy.”

Elvis, wary, asked, “Search and dee-stroy what?”

“Evryting dat moves,” said Rambo. “Kill gooks, cows, chickens, evryting. Wipe da fuggin’ dump offa da map.”

“Oh!” said Elvis, shocked. He was shocked at what S&D meant, and also that Rambo wasn’t keeping it secret. “Whah yew tellin’ me?”

Rambo said, “I gotta tell sumbuddy! I don’ know watta do!”

“Yew got… doubts?”

“An’ I nevva had dose!” Rambo wailed. “But afta what happen yestadee, I got to tinkin’. I’m sorry, I can’t help it!”

“Poor gah,” said Elvis. “So now yew ain’t so sure ’bout fightin’?”

Rambo protested, “Dey say I gotta kill wimmen an’ kids! Lil kids! Pretty wimmen! An’ old folks! An’ gook priests! An’ gook farmers! Folks dat neva hoit no-one alla dare lives! Makes no difference; dey says I gotta kill ’em all!”

Elvis said, “Orders.”

Rambo said, “Ya soiten dat’s OK?”

Elvis smiled his usual half-sneer. He said, “Wah, shore it is,” and he proceeded to justify War’s ways to Man.