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Interruption; 59th birthday

Today, November 20, 2016, is my 59th birthday.

That means that, as of today, I have survived:

59*365 days + 15 leap-days  =  21550 days;

which equals

21550 * 24  =  517,200  hours

517,200 * 60  = 31,032,000 minutes

31,032,000 * 60 = 1,861,920,000 seconds.

One point eight six gigaseconds old! Time sure flies.

I am having a super-minimalist birthday today. I figure that I don’t have to do anything to turn 59, other than survive the day, so I’m taking it easy. All I plan is to share a cake with wife and daughter. (Maybe also take the cats to the vet to have their claws trimmed.)

No big birthday party; I hate the stress. Besides, I already had a small party with some friends the previous day. I’d rather treat a birthday as a milestone rather than as a deadline.

Next week we’ll celebrate Thanksgiving at brother Marc’s. At my age I am happy to spread the birthday out over days.

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You Read It Here First

I predict that, come mid-2017 or so, Trump's Presidency will start to collapse, from the weight of his lies and crimes and idiocies; his ever-increasing band of enemies will plot his downfall, and start to put their plan into effect...

... and then ISIS will attack. Or Al-Qaeda, or whoever else. Right away Trump will claim an emergency and a mandate, and on the strength of that crush his domestic enemies and start yet another forever-war.

The analogy with Bush Jr. is obvious. I claim no conspiracies beyond shared interests. The terrorists _like_ Trump. They've _said_ so. He's just the kind of President they want, and want to keep President; so they'll help him, in their way. And perhaps Putin will also offer his kind of help.

I mention this prediction to you as prophylaxis. Forewarned is forearmed. I hope I'm wrong, but please warn others.

Condolence Letters that I would have sent

The following are texts of two quadrennial letters to the Presidential candidates that I would have sent, had Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders won. In a rational reversal of convention, I send my congratulations to the losers, and my condolences to the winner.

**************

To:

            Hillary Clinton

            Donald Trump

            Gary Johnson

Jill Stein

Re:

Congratulations and condolences

            Dear Former Candidates:

            Now that the election results are in, and we know which one of you won the election, and which ones lost, I send you a letter of congratulations and condolences. Unlike the usual practice, I send my congratulations to the losers and my condolences to the winner.

            First, the major party loser. Congratulations, Donald Trump; you lost. It was a close call for a while, but you dodged it. We considered you carefully, and in the end chose not to inflict the Presidency upon you, or you upon it. Good for you, and good for it! Now please go away and be quiet before we change our minds and make you President after all.

            A shout-out now for the minor-party losers; Gary Johnson of the Libertarians, Jill Stein of the Green Party, and many others. Good news; you all lost! None of you have to be President!

            Some words now to the one leaving office; Barack Obama. In my previous letter to you I told you to follow the path of least resistance, and to manage the decline of American empire. You have obeyed these orders to the letter. Against my advice you attempted some reforms; and as I predicted, this met resistance.

Thank you for feeding bin Laden to the fish. And thanks for Obamacare. And for stopping a Depression. And for the judges. And for stealing so many Republican ideas that they have none left. And much else. All in all you have done amazingly well, for a President. That’s because you’re a nice man, but you’re also an Ice man. You are now released from the worst job in the world. Dis-missed!

            Now for the winner, Hillary Clinton. Greetings! It is my duty to inform you that you are now President-Elect of the United States of America. My deepest condolences. Your new job is stressful; it’s hazardous; it’ll force you to do hideous deeds; it’ll age you fast; and worst of all, it’s a dead end. Any job after this will be a demotion. I repeat: my condolences.

            The Presidency is so toxic that winning it won’t just harm you; it’ll harm your closest constituents. Consider the vicious racism unleashed against your predecessor by his obstructionist opponents. Those same obstructionists will inflict vicious misogyny upon you, and women in general. But you knew that.

The awful truth is, you’re a slave. All Presidents are slaves; “public servant” is a euphemism. I think that the Presidency should be a civic obligation imposed at random, then heavily vetted, like jury duty or the draft; the kind of job that people run from rather than for.

As is, it’s a volunteer post. That’s absurd, and the joke’s on you. You won the booby prize; now you have it, and it has you. I question your judgment, but I cannot fault your courage. Good luck!

I recommend the path of least resistance. Do what comes naturally to the present-day American Presidency; namely, manage imperial decline. That’s what you’ll do anyhow, like it or not, so here I am, telling you to do it. You may have other plans, but rest assured that they will encounter resistance from powerful enemies, institutional inertia, and Murphy’s Law.

I gave the above advice to your predecessor; for you, Madame President, I add this: be yourself. In your case, that means: be the worst liar that I have ever seen occupy the Oval Office.

By this I don’t mean that you tell bad lies; I mean that you are bad at telling lies. You heroically try to lie, but you fail. Your insincerity is utterly transparent. You leak; you have tells. Never play strip poker with Vladimir Putin!

Your ineptitude at deception is one of your many endearing features. You remind me of Ko-Ko, from “The Mikado”, of whom the Chorus sings:

We know him well

He cannot tell

Untrue or groundless tales –

He always tries

To utter lies

And every time he fails. 

            If lying weren’t a Presidential job requirement, then I’d advise you against lying at all.

How different you are from so many other Presidents! Your husband, for instance; now there’s a liar! LBJ was a fine liar. Reagan was an actor, Bush Senior was a spy, so both were professional liars. And let’s not forget Nixon!

You’re up against some serious competition, but alas, you are undermined by your undermind. Somewhere deep down, despite decades of training, you retain some involuntary integrity. You’re relatively honest, against your better interest. It is a tribute to your intelligence and drive that, despite this handicap, you have gone so far in law and politics.

But don’t try to repress your unwanted honesty; it’ll all come out anyhow. For your own good, let it go. Freak freely. Just be yourself, Madame President, and you’ll be an even better leaker than Edward Snowden!

Sincerely,

Nathaniel Hellerstein

**************

**************

To:

            Bernie Sanders

            Donald Trump

            Gary Johnson

            Jill Stein

Re:

Congratulations and condolences

 Dear Former Candidates:

 Now that the election results are in, and we know which one of you won the election, and which ones lost, I send you a letter of congratulations and condolences. Unlike the usual practice, I send my congratulations to the losers and my condolences to the winner.

 First, the major party loser. Congratulations, Donald Trump; you lost. It was a close call for a while, but you dodged it. We considered you carefully, and in the end chose not to inflict the Presidency upon you, or you upon it. Good for you, and good for it! Now please go away and be quiet before we change our minds and make you President after all.

 A shout-out now for the minor-party losers;  Johnson of the Libertarians, Stein of the Green Party, and many more others than I can name. Good news; you all lost! None of you have to be President!

  A word now to the one leaving office; Barack Obama. In my previous letter to you I told you to follow the path of least resistance, and to manage the decline of American empire. You have obeyed these orders to the letter. Against my advice you attempted some reforms; and as I predicted, this met resistance.

Thank you for feeding bin Laden to the fish. And thanks for Obamacare. And for stopping a Depression. And for the judges. And for stealing so many Republican ideas that they have none left. And much else. All in all you have done amazingly well, for a President. That’s because you’re a nice man, but you’re also an Ice man. You are now released from the worst job in the world. Dis-missed!

  Now for the winner, Bernie Sanders. Greetings! It is my duty to inform you that you are now President-Elect of the United States of America. My deepest condolences. Your job is stressful; it’s hazardous; it’ll force you to do hideous deeds; it’ll age you fast; and worst of all, it’s a dead end. Any job after this will be a demotion. I repeat: my condolences.

  The Presidency is so toxic that winning it won’t just harm you; it’ll harm your closest constituents. Consider the vicious racism unleashed against your predecessor by his obstructionist opponents. The same viciousness, in the form of anti-Semitism, will be inflicted upon you, and Jews in general. Be prepared.

The awful truth is, you’re a slave. All Presidents are slaves; “public servant” is a euphemism. I think that the Presidency should be a civic obligation imposed at random, then heavily vetted, like jury duty or the draft; the kind of job that people run from rather than for.

As is, it’s a volunteer post. That’s absurd, and the joke’s on you. You sought the booby prize, and you won. You have it, and it has you. I question your judgment, but I cannot fault your courage. Good luck!

To your predecessor I recommended managing imperial decline. You, instead, should accelerate imperial decline. That’s what you’ll do anyhow, like it or not, so here I am, telling you to do it. It’s the path of least resistance. You may have other plans, but rest assured that they will encounter resistance from powerful enemies, institutional inertia, and Murphy’s Law.

I say this even though you, as a democratic socialist, are as conservative as American politicians get, in the non-Orwellian sense of the word ‘conservative’. Unlike cynical CINOs, you want to conserve things; money, jobs, lives, economies, communities, ecologies. But if the old system is bound and determined to self-destruct, then the most conservative move is to stand aside and start the new.

I add this advice: be yourself. In your case, that means: be a voice of reason, and thus stand out from those around you. Avoid arguing with fools if possible, but if not, then address your arguments, not to the fools arguing in bad faith, but to the audience, judging for themselves. You might get less done that way, but what you do get done might be more worth doing.

Sincerely,     

                                                                        Nathaniel Hellerstein