Ask Dr. Psience (2)
Dear Dr. Psience:
What is the “Missing Mass”? Where has
it gone off to?
Signed, Lost in Space
Dear Lost in Space:
Cosmologists say that the universe
will continue to expand forever unless it contains a critical density of
matter. Observations show that the cosmic mass density is only 5% of that
amount. Cosmologists, who like their theories neat, their questions answered
and their cosmos closed, ask; where is the missing mass?
Parallel to this is one called the
“Fermi Paradox”, named after Enrico Fermi, who asked, “Where are they?” He
meant, where are the extraterrestrials? If they exist, then surely we would
have seen them by now. The aliens are missing!
The missing mass is missing, the
aliens are missing; separately these questions lack answers, but together they
suggest each other’s answers. The aliens are missing with the missing mass; or in other words;
The
extraterrestrials STOLE the missing mass!
Dear Dr. Psience:
How does gravity work?
Signed, Heavy Hitter
Dear Heavy Hitter:
Most theorists claim that gravity
makes things fall down; but when asked why, their answers are incomprehensible.
These difficulties arise from a false perspective; for they are trying to
explain why things fall down. The
truth is, gravity actually makes things fall up. The direction that we call “up” is in fact down, and the
direction that we call “down” is in fact up.
All objects fall up (which we call
“down”) because matter is lighter than vacuum. That’s the Law of Levity,
miscalled gravity. You can observe Levity in action simply by standing on your
head.
Dear Dr. Psience:
What are the medical uses for
plutonium?
Signed, Dr. Strangelove
Dear Dr. Strangelove:
Plutonium is a panacea, good for
whatever ails you. A single session of plutonium therapy can end all the ills
of all the dwellers of ny large city – swiftly and forever. No disease or
distress can survive the plutonium cure.
The trouble is, no patient can survive the plutonium cure
either; and as a result this medical procedure has received lukewarm support.
Global plutonium therapy has often been proposed, but implementation has been
postponed indefinitely, due to interference from special interest groups. Write
your congressman!
Dear Dr. Psience:
What is the population of the
universe?
Signed, Censusless
Dear Censusless:
The population of the universe is
zero.
Viewed locally, one can find inhabitants; but this implies a
non-zero local population. Viewed at
a cosmic level, no inhabitants are visible; thus a zero cosmic population.
This strange discrepancy between a
non-zero local population and a zero cosmic population exists because every
inhabitant of the cosmos is only virtually
here. None of us exists quite long enough to make a difference observable on
the cosmic scale. We are all like the “virtual particles” of quantum mechanics,
which exist too briefly for us to observe them directly.
Virtual particles are unobservable
themselves, but their unseen interactions generate the forces of nature. Thus
it may be possible that we, though unreal ourselves, are how reality holds
itself together.
Correction
In next issue’s schematics for a
time-travel machine, we will fail to include doppleganger-detection circuitry;
nor will we include warnings about the dangers of temporal duplication. The
National Liar apologizes for any time paradoxes that will have resulted from
these omissions.
Next
Time In “Ask Dr. Psience”:
Missing Socks, Pringle’s Aerodynamics,
Quantum Gravity, Hindsight, Properties of Darkness.
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