From the Annals of “The National Liar”:
Sunblocks Ranked
Ranking types of sunblock, in increasing order of effectiveness:
rating 0: A bottle full of chemical goop.
rating 1: loose-fitting, cool, all-covering clothes
rating 2: shade tree or shade forest
rating 3: overcast weather
rating 4: a floor, 4 walls, and a ceiling
rating 5: winter
rating 6: night
Mome Declares Himself Fallible
Nome, Alaska - In a surprise announcement yesterday, J.R.”Bob” Dobbs, Mome of the Noman Particular Church, proclaimed the doctrine of Momal Fallibility.
“What, me infallible?” the Mome snarked. “Of course Momes can make mistakes. In fact we’ve made some big ones. Just judge for yourself.”
Sources high in the Noman Particular Church said that they adopted this doctrine because they needed more wiggle room. “We’ve painted ourselves into a corner. It’s high time we ‘fessed up,” said Ordinal Maustinger, the Mome’s most trusted advisor. “His Holiness has made a bad call lately, and he needs a face-saving way to back out of the mess.”
The ‘bad call’ referred to is the infamous Elvis Clone debacle. “His Holiness sure dropped the ball there,” Maustinger confided. “We never made sure that that hanky was really one of Elvis’s; or if the genetic material found there was his; or even how that genetic material got there in the first place. But ‘Bob’ insisted on cloning, so we went ahead; after all, he’s the Mome. And the result? Well, let’s just say that the clone we grew didn’t see things our way. Put it all together, and it spells M-I-S-T-A-K-E.”
“I am a man, mortal and therefore sinful,” the Mome confessed to the world. “I say I am fallible, and I say so ex cathedra. My judgement is not perfect; to claim otherwise is the sin of intellectual pride. Only God is free from all error – and sometimes I wonder about Him.”
Back-File Ends of the World
Every issue of the “National Liar” reports the end of the world. That report is always on the front page, and it is always the second most important story. The National Liar has destroyed the world many different ways; by solar nova, asteroid impact, nuclear war, black hole absorption, and Judgement Day. The end is always sudden and complete; yet it never seems to have any noticeable effect on the average person’s everyday life.
Here are some ends of the world that the National Liar never got around to during its print run:
Lethal Pandemic - Homo Sapiens Extinct
Black Hole - Earth Absorbed
Ecological Collapse - Vertebrates Succumb
Alien Invasion - Mankind Exterminated
Viral Warfare - All Mammals Die
Cthulhu Returns - Sacrifices World
Earth-Moon Collision - Planet Shattered
Global Quake - Continents Sink
Earth Ejected From Solar System
Earth Falls Into Sun
Neutrino Beam Mishap Extinguishes Sun
Big Crunch - Cosmos Implodes
False Vacuum Decays
Back-File National Liar Headlines
Here are headlines and summaries for stories that the National Liar never got around to covering:
War on Chocolate
Vampires Evolve Resistance To Garlic
Government Issues $0 Bill
Monster Sports Scores
Childhood Alien Abduction Survivors
ATF invades alcohol-tobacco cult
Fundamentalists propose compromise with Satan
Rumors of Disney peddling subliminal Dollar signs
Robertson proposes censoring Bible as unsuitable for the young
Lord Baden-Powell, Founder of Boy Scouts,
Banned from Boy Scouts for Homosexuality
“Square Drug” Sweeps Nation:
New drug, invented by CIA, makes users rationalistic,
unimaginative, conformist, tense and conventional.
Suppreses artistic and mystical insight. Overdose causes
users to commit tax evasion, lobbying, downsizing and other
atrocities.
Federal Reserve proposes Communist Capitalism;
Achieving Leninist oppression and poverty by nominally free-market methods.
Reagan Double Presidency:
Hinkley’s bullet hit Reagan’s brain; a double was brought in;
the story was suppressed until now; the “Alzheimer’s” was a
cover for brain damage.
Dinosaurs Return:
Intelligent dinos cloned: they like obsolescent things like big cars, command economies, vacuum tubes, sexism, smokestack industries.
The Rumor Mill
Only the facts have been changed to protect the guilty
TU from Stone, Maryland, reports:
· Backstage at the Drug-War Announcement
· The Physically Impossible Device Contract
GO from from Emeryville, Nevada, reports:
· The Televangelist
· Backstage at the Drug-War Announcement
TU reports, “I was visiting the studio at WHC Radio, in Stone, Maryland. There was a thin blue plastic curtain separating the newsroom from backstage. In the newsroom the two announcers were giving a live broadcast; top story was the announcement of the War on Cocaine. Backstage they were snorting cocaine. What made it worse is that one of the two newsmen was in on the scam, and the other one wasn’t. The War on Drugs has been a fraud from the beginning.”
· The Physically Impossible Device Contract
TU reports, “When I was working for a military electronics firm, some of the designs were less than ideal. At one board meets I stood up and said, ‘This device is supposed to do something physically impossible. You do know that, don’t you?’ And the manager replied, ‘Yes, we do know that, but we have contracted to build it; so we will build it nonetheless.’ ”
· The Televangelist
GO reports, “When I was visiting a friend, I encountered a familiar-looking stranger there. He wanted to buy some crack, but my friend does not deal in that stuff. The stranger had false hair, false teeth, and a false smile. He turned out to be a local televangelist. False every which way.”
Ten-Front War
Washington, DC – Civilian and military officials announced today that they have ‘irrevokably committed’ all Establishment resources to a Ten-Front War. These are the ten fronts:
War on Crime
War on Drugs
War on Porn
War on Gays
War on the Poor
War on Immigrants
War on Workers
War on Women
War on the Family
War on the Earth
High-level officials expressed confidence that they shall be victorious on every single front, despite the fact that each foe is either unbeatable on indispensable. They added that losing on even one of these ten fronts is ‘unthinkable’, and therefore not to be thought about.
“In our lifetime,” said Dr. Strangelove, “we shall achieve the total elimination of all ten of our enemies. There will be no crime, no drugs, no porn, no gays, no poor, no immigrants, no workers, no women, no families, and no Earth.”
When our intrepid National Liar reporter asked what there will be, Dr. Strangelove replied, “No comment.”
National Liar Film Review:
“Family Values”
In these days of prurient moralism, it is rare and refreshing to find a film which deals with truly adult themes in a truly adult manner. “Family Values” is such a film.
The plot of the movie is simple: boy meets girl, boy weds girl, boy beds girl, girl gets pregnant, girl gives birth, new parents love baby, happy ending. The story is classic, indeed primeval, yet one which the plotmeisters in Hollywood have somehow missed – or told, at best, in fragments. Until now in the movies, love has been systematically separated from sex, and sex has been separated from reproduction. This film transgresses those boundaries, as does real life.
This film combines romantic comedy, hard-core eXXXplicit sex and birthing documentary with a pro-family woman-centered message. There is absolutely no movie-style violence; but the birthing scene is live, authentic, uncut and unsanitized. This movie has real blood in it, but it is the blood of life-giving, not life-taking. All in all, a truly ethical, yet truly passionate, film.
This movie has the look and feel of a “woman’s film”. It has a female director, a female producer, film verité style, tasteful editing and respectful plotting. All profits from the film shall go to the child’s college fund.
This respectfulness does not interfere with a sense of joy and fun. The film’s ad slogan is “Go All The Way!”
Unexpectedly, the Pope approved of this celebration of female sexual power. His Holiness explained, “For us to oppose this film would be for us to condemn human reproduction itself, and that would defy the Will of God.”
The Christian Coalition, Planned Parenthood, the Islamic State, and the National Organization for Women were equally approving.
Ecumenical groups have arranged nation-wide supportive pickets outside every theater showing this film.
William Bennett, noted moral entrepreneur, said, “At last the movie industry has produced something decent.”
From the annals of the National Liar
Volume 0, #0, April 1, 1993
From the Discreditor’s Desk:
The Vested Interest Phenomenon
We here at the National Liar naturally take strong interest in politics. What better place to find material suited for publication here? Who but a politician would call himself a liberal and prove it by writing thousands of new government regulations? Or call himself a conservative and prove it by spending the nation $2,000,000,000,000 into debt?
Liberals do not liberate and conservatives do not conserve. Why is this so? Why does communism lead to communal warfare, and capitalism lead to national bankruptcy? Why does welfare spending cause poverty, and defense spending cause warfare? When merchants run a country, consumers lose their jobs; when spies run a country, nobody knows what’s going on; when lawyers run a country, everybody becomes a lawbreaker; and when priests run a country, sin is the only way to succeed. Why?
There is a simple explanation for every one of these ironic reversals. It is the Vested Interest Phenomenon, or “V-I.P.”; a universal political law which states:
Every social service organization has a vested interest in the continued existence of precisely those evils which it is pledged to combat.
Please note; every service group has a vested interest. There are no exceptions to this rule. The V-I.P.’s validity is forever guaranteed by the existence of corruption, stupidity and incompetence. Social service organizations which attain their stated goals must then disband; those which somehow fail can continue to exist. Thus they inevitably evolve downwards.
For instance, if liberals really did liberate the masses, then the masses would have less need for liberals. If conservatives really did conserve family values, then families would have less need for conservatives. To maintain their power base, both groups must preserve their pet peeves. That is why liberals enslave and conservatives destroy. They usually do so unwittingly; indeed, witlessly.
One can multiply examples of this nature, not limited to formal politics. Commerce reduces our wealth, medicine makes us sick, war destroys the homeland, philosophy eclipses wisdom, science confuses us about Nature, religion leads us away from God, and so on.
And what of this newspaper? Is the National Liar immune from the subtle ravages of Vested Interest? If there were no Vested Interest Phenomenon, would this newspaper have as many follies to mock? Certainly not! Obviously the National Liar has a vested interest in Vested Interest, and is as untrustworthy as anything else. So don’t believe anything in this newspaper – especially this very article!
Doubt this Discreditorial!
