Feline Monarchy

          Feline Monarchy

           

Mark Twain once proposed that some country have a royal family composed entirely of cats. I second the motion, and add these thoughts on the system:

          The royal palace and staff shall be modest; I propose a small apartment adjoining the legislative chambers, which the royal cats shall have free run of. His Feline Majesty and his queens shall be fertile; no castrating His Highness; hence the palace shall be a cattery, exporting kitten princes and princesses. The line shall be bred for regal tolerance of strangers, for His Highness must greet politicians, paparazzi and crowds.

          The cat-king is of course a figurehead; the Prime Minister holds the real power. However certain powers are reserved for His Feline Majesty alone, subject to his sole command, ‘until cats learn to talk’. These are all powers forbidden to human government, and granted to the cat on condition that cats remain mute.

His Majesty is granted sole ownership of every excessive government power, which the written constitution enumerates; a negative bill of rights. For instance: the cat, and the cat alone, can regulate speech; establish religion; prohibit arms; prohibit alcohol; prohibit drugs; suspend habeas corpus; wage war without Congressional approval; eavesdrop without warrant; and torture.

          It is therefore vital that no human ever occupy the Feline Throne. This is in line with the normal function of cats; here humans put a cat on the throne to keep human vermin off of it. To keep humans off the cat-throne, the constitution shall establish a series of rigorous felinity tests.

          Amongst the felinity tests are: Purring. Personally catching, killing and eating mice and rats. Jumping up three body lengths onto a platform one foot square. An hour in freezing cold air without wearing any clothing. Being held upside down by his feet three body lengths above a hard surface, dropped, and landing on his feet. Passing through a hole one inch wider than his head.

          Anyone arrogating royal powers must take a rigorous felinity test.