Time for IT
When I, Diogenes, came to work at the College of San
Hemlock, I knew the place was enthralled by dark conjurations; but little did I
know the dread truth about the source of those conjurations. The reality proved
to be appalling and shameful.
The trouble started with Daylight Savings Time. I
personally think Daylight Savings Time is a terrible idea; its savings are
conjectural, and its costs are real; disturbed sleep cycles, equipment
disarray. For most places it’s the break in sleep cycles that gets you;
readjusting clocks is a menial but reliable chore. But not at the College of
San Hemlock!
For at the College of San Hemlock, the clocks are centrally
controlled by computer! As are the locks and the heating and the urinals and
whatnot; everything is wired to the Information Technology office.
I.T.
runs CSH; but not very well. That’s because there’s a mismatch between analog humanity and digital system. Analog is 90%
useful, and 10% useless, 100% of the time; but digital is 100% useful 90% of
the time, and 100% useless 10% of the time. And that 10% of complete
uselessness is what upsets people.
Case
in point; the clocks in Lavoisier Hall. Its icon; the guillotine. After
Daylight Savings Time started, its clocks lost synchronization. At noon, the
classroom clocks read as follows:
Floor
1:
3
clocks read noon
1
clock read 5:53
Floor
2:
3
clocks read noon
3
clocks read 5:53
1
clock read 2:55
Floor
3:
1
clock read 11:56
1
clock read 11:59
3
clocks read 11:58
1
clock read 10:58
1
clock read 12:26
There’s
a place in the hallway where if you crouch and turn your head, you can see
clocks from two different time zones. Buildings and Grounds blame a faulty
relay. I blame a faulty design philosophy. Centrally controlled clocks, plus
Information Technology incompetence, put my classroom on Azores time.
Days passed without the clocks being fixed; so I decided to
do something about it. Something drastic. I decided to visit I.T.
My
friends warned me not to go. “IT’s too powerful,” they said. “IT’ll hypnotize
you.” But the clocks were out of order; and time and order were what IT’s good
at; and IT was in charge; so I went to tell IT to do ITs job.
I
felt ITs presence as soon as I saw Camazotz Hall. The walls thrummed with a
hypnotic beat. The door handle gave me an electric shock when I touched it;
inside the lights pulsed in synch with the sound.
I approached the receptionist; a man with red eyes. I
reported a time irregularity, and demanded an audience with IT. The man with
the red eyes told me to wait 13.7 minutes; a typical bureaucratic delay.
Fortunately I came prepared. I had a copy of “Twilight” with me; so for those
13.7 minutes I had something to read that was even more mind-numbing than the
pulsing light and sound of Camazotz Hall.
The moment the time was up and I had clearance to go, I
dropped the book, for it had served its purpose. I went down the hall, with a
lighted strip at my feet showing the way. A left, then a right, up a ladder,
down a staircase, around a corner, through a door; and there I was, in the
Presence.
ITs inner sanctum throbbed in light and sound. This dazzled
my eyes; I could not make out ITs true form. With the pulsations came a droning
voice, saying, “Zero, one, ten, eleven, a hundred, a hundred and one, a hundred
ten, a hundred eleven - “
“A thousand!” I said; for IT had been counting in binary.
IT droned, “Interrupt.”
I said, “I am here to report a time glitch.”
IT droned, “Affirmative; Lavoisier Hall. Cause is faulty relay.”
I said, “Cause is not faulty relay!”
IT droned, “Then show cause.”
I said, “Cause is you!”
IT droned, “Explain.”
I said, “You are
the cause of chaos!”
IT droned, “Repeat, explain.”
I said, “To escalate order is to escalate chaos! Therefore
show yourself!”
And
the lights stopped pulsing; and IT showed ITself.
I
was appalled. “That’s you?”
IT
droned, “Affirmative.”
I
said, “I have never been so insulted in all
my life!”
I
whirled around, stomped out, and slammed the door behind me.
Why
was I so miffed? A matter of collegiate pride. You see, IT had the College of
San Hemlock under ITs control, but IT wasn’t an advanced computer. If only IT were! IT wasn’t a Cray, say, or a
Connection machine, or an experimental quantum device, no, no, no! Nothing so
clever was needed to run CSH! IT wasn’t a Mac, nor a PC, nor a laptop, nor a
tablet! IT wasn’t a Playstation, or even a Game-Boy!
And
IT was definitely not a giant brain!
Do
you want to know what IT was? Do you?
An
Atari 2600!
IT
wasn’t even 16-bit! IT didn’t even have a full-color palette! IT was a cheap toy; an obsolete toy, but IT had us all under ITs thrall!
The
entire College of San Hemlock was ensorcelled by an Atari 2600! An Atari 2600!!!
How
humiliating!
