Why I Did Not Complete This Assignment

            From the annals of the National Liar

          V1#1 October 31, 1994

          Why I Did Not Complete This Assignment

 

          I really tried to do my homework; honest, I did; but everything went wrong. I mean, everything. You wouldn’t believe what happened. I wouldn’t either, if it hadn’t happened to me.

          So there I was, sitting at my computer, busy writing this assignment. I was just getting into it when the phone rang. It was my Mom; she said the house was on fire, and she wanted me to drive 750 miles to put it out with my bottle of Evian water. I told her that didn’t make any sense; I had drunk up most of the water, there was a traffic jam, my car was in the shop, and besides wasn’t there a fire station right next door? Oh that’s right, Mom said, and she hung up.

          So I got back to work, and I was really tooling along, doing great work – you’d have loved it – when suddenly there was this huge earthquake. (You remember that earthquake, don’t you? It was last Tuesday.) I managed to save the file just before the roof collapsed.  I dug my way out of the rubble, switched the computer back on, and started writing again, but discovered – oh no! – that a massive chunk of concrete had fallen onto my printer in the earthquake (you remember that earthquake? I sure do) and had smashed it into smithereens. Fortunately I had a spare printer in the living room closet, but as you might expect, the living room closet was buried beneath all the rubble.

          Well I dug through the rubble and got the the printer out and replaced my smashed printer and started writing again, but what do you know? The earthquake had shaken down the computer’s architecture too! The operating system was in ruins and I had to reprogram it from scratch! And believe me, that took hours!

          Well I rewrote the program; and I wrote up my homework; and I printed it out, too, even though the new printer was ten times slower than the old one, and low on ink too. I was just about to rip the paper loose when there was a knock at the front door. I picked my way past the debris in the front hall, forced the door open, and guess what? It was the fire department, looking for my Mom’s house! They had gotten lost, they were 750 miles off course, and they wanted directions. Well, I gave them directions (we’re talking about my Mom’s house, after all!) or at least I tried to; the fireman was deaf, so I had to use sign language, even though I don’t know sign language, so I had to learn sign language just to tell him to get back on the freeway! That alone took hours!

          Well I sent them on their way, I managed to pick my way back to my computer, I ripped the paper out of the printer, but – oops! – page 1 tore right in two! So I had to dig in all the debris – remember that earthquake? – to find a piece of tape to tape page 1 back together again. And I did.

          So good! I had my assignment in hand – right in my hot little hand – and I was carrying it straight to school (I was trying to get it to you before anything else happened) when I heard this strange warbling sound from the sky. I looked up, and a bright beam of pink laser light hit me in the face, and I keeled over.

          When I came to, I was aboard this flying saucer being experimented on by extraterrestrials. They told me that they wanted my homework. I told them no, do your own homework! After hours of arguing in sign language (fortunately I had just learned sign language; from the fireman, remember?) the aliens and me agreed to make copies of my assignment, one for me, one for them. So the flying saucer landed in the copy shop’s parking lot, and I rushed in to make copies andhad almost finished when – oh no! – I ran out of money just before the last page! I tried to beg a dime from people so I could make the copy of the last page for me and the aliens; you wouldn’t believe the looks I got! Finally a homeless person took pity on me and gave me the dime I needed; so I xeroxed the last page, I gathered the copies together, I rushed out into the parking lot, I gave the aliens their copy, and off they went.

          So finally I had my assignment in hand; but the aliens had left me at a copy shop in Nome, Alaska. It took hours for me to hitchhike home; and by the time I got home, the due date had already passed.

          So that’s why I didn’t complete my homework. Besides, the dog ate it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Major Credit Cards Honored

           From the Annals of the National Liar

          V2#2 October 31, 1995

 

          Major Credit Cards Honored

 

          Minor Credit Cards Mocked

          Micro Credit Cards Snubbed

          Discredit Cards Denounced

          Mega Credit Cards Worshiped

          Checks Rejected

          IOU’s Persecuted

          Barter Tolerated

          Gold Acknowledged

          Money Accepted

 

 

 

Why Conservatives Destroy

           From the annals of the National Liar

          V2#1, April 1, 1995

 

          Why Conservatives Destroy

 

          Dear reader, please consider the following story, one which could be told of many places – including your home town.

          Our tale begins with the city prosperous but perplexed. Though most people work and save, some do not; thought most neighborhoods are clean and safe, some are not; though most people are happy and healthy, some are not. Though the city is a success, it is haunted by the shadow of failure.

          The people contemplate the paradox of poverty within wealth, and decide that something must be done. In response to popular protest, politicians promise radical change. Self-proclaimed revolutionaries are swept into office.

          Time passes; policies change, society adapts. At the end of the revolution, what do we see?

          Disaster! Mass affluence turns into mass poverty; wages fall, prices rise, and jobs vanish; debts increase exponentially; private luxury defeats the general welfare; crime rises despite draconian police power; rights become privileges; government power expands along with social chaos; corruption dishonors public service; pious charlatans exploit poverty and ignorance; urban violence terrorizes ethnic minorities; bigots spew hatred and sedition; prisons overflow; brutality replaces civility; wars and riots erupt; homeless indigents sleep on fetid streets; and deadly plagues spread unchecked.

          Compare Before with After: is it not clear that the revolution had failed? That instead of improving life, the revolutionaries made life far worse? Instead of order, they brought chaos; instead of wealth, poverty; instead of freedom, slavery; and instead of peace, war. Isn’t it clear that they came not as saviors but as destroyers?

          And isn’t it strange when radical ideologues responsible for such destruction call themselves (of all things!) conservative? (Or even neo-conservative!) For what human values do they actually conserve? The plain fact is; conservatives destroy. Their favorite social safety net is prison; their favorite cultural agenda is censorship; their favorite economic plan is exploitation; and their favorite foreign policy is war.

          The question I put to you, dear readers, is:

          Why do conservatives destroy?

          We here at the National Liar offer four simple explanations for this distressing political paradox:

          Weakness, Cruelty, Folly and Perversity.

          Taking them in order:

          Weakness.         

          Many honorable and intelligent conservatives are simply unable to stop the destruction of society. Their intentions are good and their plans are fine, but they lack effective political power

          Such quixotic gentry are a sad spectacle, meriting our love, compassion and pity. Please note that nowadays we usually call such conservatives “liberals”.

          Cruelty.

          Some strong and intelligent conservatives are corrupt liars. They promise to defend society, but in fact plan exploitation. For this they will say that false is true, no is yes, spending is saving, slavery is freedom, poverty is wealth, ignorance is wisdom, and war is peace; but they do not deceive themselves. Don’t you be deceived!

          This “bad guy” theory is usually considered pessimistic; actually, this is the best scenario! Exploiters, though powerful and dangerous, are few and vulnerable; once identified and forcefully confronted, they can usually be intimidated into limiting their crimes. Far more dangerous than Cruelty is:

          Folly.

          Far too many honorable and powerful conservatives fool themselves. They are their own dupes, living their own lies. Blinded by double-think, they do believe that  no is yes, spending is saving, slavery is freedom, poverty is wealth, ignorance is wisdom, and war is peace. Such folk are Destruction’s harshest critics – and best agents.

          Sentimentalists and sycophants consider such stupidity an excuse – or even an asset! When a leader’s mad plans cause mass suffering, his allies say, “forgive him, for he knew not what he did!” If he didn’t know what he was doing, then why was he doing it? Or even, “he wasn’t a crook; he was only a fool!” That’s like saying that his disease wasn’t flu, it was only cancer.

          Experience teaches us that folly is not the best political excuse, but the worst. If you must choose between and crook and a fool, then choose the crook; for you can police a crook, but a fool is a force of nature.

          Finally we have the nastiest reason of all:

          Perversity.

          “Conservatism”, as a social movement, is sworn to defend society against the forces of destruction; but that, by definition, mean that “conservatism” has a vested interest in destruction; for if the forces of destruction were to vanish, then so would the need for “conservatism”!

          This is an example of a perverse social dynamic called the Vested Interest Phenomenon, or “VIP”. The “VIP” states that any social service organization has a vested interest in the continued existence of precisely those social evils which it is sworn to combat.

          Were social evils to disappear, then so would social service organizations. Organizations need to be needed; they survive only if need survives too. Complete success would be as fatal as complete failure; therefore all such organizations tend to evolve modes of partial failure. These can be caused by weakness, cruelty, folly, or (usually) a combination of these.

          The vested-interest phenomenon is perverse, annoying, and in the case of “conservatism”, often lethal ; for “conservatism” is opposed to – and allied with – destruction.

          Therefore, dear reader, I offer advice.  You may someday encounter a person of political ambition; and that person may say to you:

          “Give me power, and I will restore the Old Ways. I will limit spending, lower taxes, balance the budget, and get government off your back. I promise to support family values, economic growth, national security, personal liberty, reverence for tradition, respect for authority, and religious faith. I will turn back the clock to the Good Old Days. I will lead a Conservative Revolution.”

          If you ever encounter such a person, then for the sake of all you value, I beg of you, dear reader;

          BEWARE!        

 

 

Remember and be wary

 

Remember and be wary,

The Sixth of January,
The treason, sedition, and plot.
I know of no reason
Sedition and treason
Should ever be forgot.

 

 

Black Hole! Earth Absorbed

           From the annals of the National Liar

          V2#2 October 31, 1995

          Black Hole! Earth Absorbed

 

On September 23, 7:23 GMT, a black hole collided with planet Earth. The collapsed star quickly absorbed the planet; a cosmic catastrophe that spelled the end of all life on Earth, including the human race.

          “It’s a dangerous universe,” commented Carl Sagan, noted media astronomer. “They too dominated Earth’s ecology, and they too were destroyed by an asteroid impact. How are the mighty fallen!”

          “Dammit, I had just made the down payment on my new car, when all of a sudden this happens,” said Joseph Six-pack, of Oshkosh, Idaho.  “If I had known this was coming I’d have kept the old four-door.”

          “Too bad we didn’t have the Information Superhighway on line in time for this,” said Vice President Al Gore. “We might have been able to read about the black hole while it homed in.”

          “Life was good,” said President Clinton. “But on the other hand, life could sometimes be such a pain; so now that we’re all dead, I guess that’s good too.”

          Speaker Newt Gingrich said, “With the erasure of the human future, new we can get that future in order. I foresee a balanced budget, no taxes, and absolute military security from now on. “

          Rush Limbaugh has, uncharacteristically, no comment. On Wall Street, stock prices rose dramatically, but money markets and currency exchanges fell dramatically. Congress attempted to pass anti-black-hole legislation, but the bill was stalled in committee. The White House and the Supreme Court adjourned indefinitely, was well as all executive branches except the ATF, the CIA and the IRS. The judge in the Menendez trial ruled that black hole evidence is not admissible.

UPN has put together a video of the black hole impact, now available in selected supermarkets. MTV has announced its intention to compile a tape of Black Hole music, and will be holding a context next week.

          Harris poll indicate that 97% of the American people disapproved of the end of the world; however, an equal percentage said that it made no difference in their daily lives.

         

 

 

Big Bang Theory Explodes

 From the annals of the National Liar

Volume 0, #0, April 1, 1993

Big Bang Theory Explodes

 

The “Big Bang” is dead. Astronomers from around the world convened to announce that the “Big Bang” theory of the origin of the universe is “absurd, incorrect, impotent and obsolete”.

Stephen Hawking said, “Basically, we were barking up the wrong tree. We thought the Big Bang explained everything, but now it has outlived its usefulness.”

The “Big Bang” theory claimed that the entire universe was originally concentrated in a single point, which exploded. This, according to the theory, explains the expansion of the universe; which explains the Hubble redshift; which in turn explains the darkness of the night sky. The Big Bang has also been made to answer for the abundance of deuterium; the flatness of space; the absence of anti-matter; and the 2.7 degree Kelvin background radiation.

However, difficulties plagued the theory from its inception. It was not clear how galaxies could form in a Big Bang universe; nor how to normalize the theory’s gravitational singularities. There were observational anomalies such as quantized redshifts, uneven background radiation, and “dark matter”. Some galaxies proved to be older than the supposed age of the Universe.

Hawking said, “It was a mess. The more data we got, the weirder this Big Bang looked. Finally we decided to stop fooling ourselves. Now we’re back to Square One, face to face with Olber’s old question; why is the night sky dark?”

(See the “Ask Dr. Psience” article in this issue to see other explanations for the darkness of the night sky.)

Roger Penrose said, “When you look at it closely, the Big Bang turns out to be nothing but a cultural neurosis projection. Remember, this theory was created by the same generation of physicists that built the atomic bomb. With explosion in their minds, they saw explosion in the sky.”

He added, “Now that nuclear weapons are politically incorrect, so is the Big Bang. I predict that in the future we will have a more ‘Green’ theory of the origin of the universe. Perhaps a steady-state model. We’ll think of something.”

 

 

“Beige People” Issue Protest

 From the annals of the National Liar

Volume 3, #1, April 1, 1996

        “Beige People” Issue Protest

 

           “We’re not white; we’re beige!” declared Elmo Earl of the Beige People’s Liberation Front. The infamous racial demagogue proclaimed to thousands of cheering followers, “Snow is white. Paper is white. Milk and soap suds are white. Clouds are white. Bones are white. But we aren’t. We’re another color. We’re beige!”

          Mr. Earl pointed out that the color of paper and the color of Caucasian skin are clearly distinguishable to the eye. He argued, “Suppose you went down to the grocer and got a carton of milk. If it turned out to be full of a liquid exactly the same color I am, would you drink it? No you wouldn’t! You’d bring it back for a refund! And why? Because milk is white, and I’m not! I’m beige!”

          He went on to tell similar stories about how odd beige-looking paper or snow or clouds or soap suds would seem. “Beige bones!” he cried. “I’d hate to be white. It sounds so... dead. If one day you woke up white, you’d call the doctor!”

          “People see what they believe. When we say what isn’t so, we’ll see what isn’t there,” he noted. “Have you ever actually met a white person?”

          Mr. Earl went on to point out that the people known as “black” are, in fact, actually colored brown. He noted, “If you wrote with a pen the color of Louis Farrakhan on paper the color of Patrick Buchanan, you’d need a bright light to read what you wrote! And why? Because they aren’t different colors; they’re different shades of the same color!”

          “Interior decorator politics!” he raged, to the cheers of the crowd. “All this trouble; all these trials and riots and marches and wars; over what? Over tint!”

          “If you call things what they are not, then you will do things that you should not. People are called black and white, but there are no black people. There are no white people. Some people are brown, and some are beige. I am beige.”

          The crowd roared its approval.

          Shortly after the rally, the Beige People’s Liberation Front issued a communiqu denying that its spokesman meant to imply any criticism of albino persons of any ethnicity. “We are sensitive to the concerns of albino persons, who are yet another counter-example to America’s delusions about race.”