“Beige People” Issue Protest

 From the annals of the National Liar

Volume 3, #1, April 1, 1996

        “Beige People” Issue Protest

 

           “We’re not white; we’re beige!” declared Elmo Earl of the Beige People’s Liberation Front. The infamous racial demagogue proclaimed to thousands of cheering followers, “Snow is white. Paper is white. Milk and soap suds are white. Clouds are white. Bones are white. But we aren’t. We’re another color. We’re beige!”

          Mr. Earl pointed out that the color of paper and the color of Caucasian skin are clearly distinguishable to the eye. He argued, “Suppose you went down to the grocer and got a carton of milk. If it turned out to be full of a liquid exactly the same color I am, would you drink it? No you wouldn’t! You’d bring it back for a refund! And why? Because milk is white, and I’m not! I’m beige!”

          He went on to tell similar stories about how odd beige-looking paper or snow or clouds or soap suds would seem. “Beige bones!” he cried. “I’d hate to be white. It sounds so... dead. If one day you woke up white, you’d call the doctor!”

          “People see what they believe. When we say what isn’t so, we’ll see what isn’t there,” he noted. “Have you ever actually met a white person?”

          Mr. Earl went on to point out that the people known as “black” are, in fact, actually colored brown. He noted, “If you wrote with a pen the color of Louis Farrakhan on paper the color of Patrick Buchanan, you’d need a bright light to read what you wrote! And why? Because they aren’t different colors; they’re different shades of the same color!”

          “Interior decorator politics!” he raged, to the cheers of the crowd. “All this trouble; all these trials and riots and marches and wars; over what? Over tint!”

          “If you call things what they are not, then you will do things that you should not. People are called black and white, but there are no black people. There are no white people. Some people are brown, and some are beige. I am beige.”

          The crowd roared its approval.

          Shortly after the rally, the Beige People’s Liberation Front issued a communiqu denying that its spokesman meant to imply any criticism of albino persons of any ethnicity. “We are sensitive to the concerns of albino persons, who are yet another counter-example to America’s delusions about race.”