Nuclear War!

          From the Annals of the National Liar

V1#1, October 31, 1994

 

          Nuclear War! 

No Survivors

 

          Washington – Early this morning, nuclear war broke out between the United States and the Soviet Union. In a furious exchange of deadly thermonuclear explosives, the two superpower societies quickly destroyed each other, civilization, the human species, and life on Earth.

          “Finally, the other shoe dropped,” said Ronald Reagan, four times President of the United States and architect of its annihilation. “Well, it’s all over now.”

          “Life was good,” said Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev. “For a moment there I thought we could make peace; but in the end it turned out that the people and their leaders preferred death. Too bad; the human race might have amounted to something.”

          The Soviet Premier was referring to the brief halt in the Cold War that occurred in the late ‘80’s. This respite, however, proved short-lived; it ended with Reagan’s second re-election in 1988, the reinforcement of the Berlin Wall in 1989, and the passage of the Star Wars Bill in 1990. This sparked the final, and fatal, round of the arms race, culminating in an ill-fated Soviet first-strike on America’s leaky missile shield.

          “The Star Wars missile shield was 99% effective,” said the director of NORAD. “However, the 1% left over was more than enough to wipe us all out. I’d say ‘back to the drawing board’, but there aren’t any drawing boards left.”

          “A magnificent technological achievement,” said Dr. Edward ‘Strangelove’ Teller. “Universal simultaneous bereavement! There will be no tears, not mourners; no-one will envy the dead, for now we are all dead. My congratulations to my colleagues in America and the Soviet Union.”

          The televangelist Jerry Falwell said, “It’s Armageddon. Hallelujah!” The Islamic Jihad issued a fatwa against both superpower leaders, then withdrew it when neutral observers pointed out its superfluity. Pope John Paul II said, “This is the afterlife. Make the most of it.” The Dalai Lama agreed, saying that this is our opportunity to escape the wheel of rebirth. “Or would you prefer your next billion incarnations as a cockroach?” he impishly inquired.

          On Wall Street, stocks rose as dramatically as the fireball that vaporized the Street. Congress adjourned indefinitely, as did the Supreme Court, as well as all executive branches except the ATF, the CIA, and the IRS.

          The Cable News Network has put together a video of World War Three, no available in selected supermarkets. MTV has announced its intention to compile a tape of Armageddon music, and will be holding a contest next week.

          Harris polls indicate that 99% of the American people disapprove of the end of the world; however, an equal percentage said that it made no difference in their daily lives.