Chinese Horrorscope

           From the annals of the National Liar

          V1#1, October 31, 1994

 

          Chinese Horrorscope

 

          Year of the Skunk

          You are smug, garish and obnoxious.  Skilled at offense. Choose a career in procuring, narcotics smuggling, or advertising. Marry a Bat or a Weasel but not a Viper or a Shark.

 

          Year of the Bat

          You like nightlife, soft music and aviation.  Prone to eccentric ideas. Choose a career in religion, academia or Presidential politics. Marry a Mosquito or a Cockroach but not a Crocodile or a Shark.

 

Year of the Viper

          You are slippery, narrow-minded and poisonous. Undiplomatic. Choose a career in talk-show hosting, political punditry, or televangelism. Marry a Piranha or a Toad but not a Leech or a Worm.

 

          Year of the Cockroach      

          You like food, nightlife and raising large families. Intensely domestic despite disinclination to pay rent. Choose a career in sanitation, fast food or real estate. Marry a Leech or a Worm but not a Spider or a Toad.

 

          Year of the Spider    

          You are crafty, patient and venomous. Creative yet businesslike. Choose a career in psychology, computers or espionage. Marry a Mosquito or a Worm but not a Toad or a Bat.

 

          Year of the Mosquito        

          You are evasive, whiny and irritating. Friendly but friendless. Choose a career in social work, mime or stand-up comedy. Marry a Cockroach or a Leech but not a Bat or a Spider.

 

          Year of the Worm    

          You are earthy, flexible and humble. Not a picky eater. Choose a career in private detection, tabloid journalism or blackmail. Marry a Leech or a Viper but not a Crocodile or a Shark.

 

          Year of the Toad      

          You are fat, slimy and complacent. May be found in low dives. Choose a career in pawnbroking, prison security or upper management. Marry a Viper or a Piranha but not a Crocodile or a Shark.

 

 

          Year of the Shark     

          You are primitive, aggressive and insensate. Always on the move. Choose a career in corporate law, stockbroking or organized crime. Marry a Crocodile or a Piranha but not a Spider or a Worm.

 

          Year of the Weasel   

          You are vicious, devious and irritable. Better at romance than at matrimony. Choose a career in advertising, political consulting or used-car dealing. Marry a Crocodile or a Shark but not a Mosquito or a Leech.

 

          Year of the Piranha 

          You are voracious, mordant and insatiable. A team player. Choose a career in bureaucracy, middle management or tax law. Marry a Toad or a Crocodile but not a Shark or a Leech.

 

          Year of the Crocodile        

          You are a brutal coldblooded predator. Dangerous when roused. Choose a career in corporate acquisitions, law enforcement or armed robbery. Marry a Piranha or a Weasel but not a Leech or a Shark.

 

          Year of the Leech     

          You are blind bloodsucking parasite. Prone to form attachments. Choose a career in personal injury law, local government or banking. Marry a Mosquito or a Toad but not a Crocodile or a Spider.