Scientific Polling Demonstrated

          I wrote the following letter to the Annals of Irreproducible Research, shortly before the 2000 Presidential election:

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Re:

Scientific Polling Demonstrated

Dear AIR:

Subject of scientific poll:

Hannah Laila Hellerstein, a human female infant, 11.75 months old, daughter of pollster Nathaniel Hellerstein. (Photo enclosed.)

Methodology:

Scientific poll-biasing methods were used throughout the interview. Three questions were planned:

          1) Will George W. Bush be elected President?

          2) Will Ralph Nader be elected President?

          3) Will Al Gore be elected President?

Interview Transcript:

Pollster vigorously shakes head, makes faces at intently-staring infant daughter; then stops and asks question 1.

Subject hesitates, then shakes head, smiles and laughs.

Pollster alternately shakes and nods head; then asks question 2.

Subject wary; offers no response.

Vigorous nodding by pollster yields no response; so poll is terminated before question 3.

Results of Scientific Poll:

No on G.W. Bush

Undecided on R. Nader

Conclusion:

You can fool some of the babies all of the time, and all of the babies some of the time, but you can't fool Hannah.

                                                  Sincerely,

                                                  Nathaniel S. K. Hellerstein, Ph.D.

Enclosure

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          As you can see, infant Hannah called the election correctly; for George Bush did indeed lose the election, as he did not receive a popular majority; but Al Gore neither won nor lost the election, as it was decided against him by a corrupt Supreme Court.