The Judgement of Sarip; 6 of 6

 Two-Thirds of a Blessing

 

Sarip took Athena’s advice. He found a woman, named Nondol, who was ugly and poor but wise; he gave her Aphrodite’s magic kisses and Hera’s magic gold; and when they quarreled, which was often, he uttered Athena’s magic spell.

Nondol and Sarip wed, and Nondol soon discovered the secret of Sarip’s endless gold. She agreed with Athena’s money-laundering scheme, so they bought a bookstore. It never made a profit, but the world thought it did. His secret remained hidden, except from her.

          Thanks to Nondol’s love, loyalty, and guidance, Sarip lived long and prospered in peace. He started no wars, he provoked no scandals, and he committed no detectable crimes.

Therefore he made no history, so when he died, the world forgot all about him. That is why you have never heard of Sarip; nor have you any proof that my tale is true, or if Sarip ever existed.

          Therefore doubt this tale!

The Judgement of Sarip, 5 of 6

 Athena’s Reward

 

          Once home, he hid Hera’s bag of endless gold under his mattress. Then Athena called to him from outside. He opened the door and said, “Come in, come in, come in.”

          Athena crossed his threshold, then she said, “I am here to give you some advice, then teach you a magic spell.”

          “What do you advise?”

          “You must understand that our gifts are each one-third a curse. Take Aphrodite’s gift. You can pleasure any woman, but what kind of woman will you pleasure? A beautiful woman? But you have already been kissed by the goddess of beauty!”

“Compared to Aphrodite, all other women are ugly!”

“Just so! You can love any woman, but now all women are ugly to you. Therefore you must love an ugly woman.”

“That is a curse!”

“Yes, but she will be grateful, and no other man will try to take her away from you.”

          “Then it’s two-thirds a blessing.”

“Just so. As for Hera’s tainted gift, you can buy any woman’s loyalty. But what kind of woman will you buy? A rich woman? But all other women are poor compared to Hera. Therefore you must wed a poor woman.”

“Another curse. But I do have endless wealth.”

“About which: you must hide Hera’s bag of endless gold so well that the world does not even suspect that it exists.”

“What stratagem do you suggest?”

Athena said, “Money laundering! Here is the plan: secretly bury a sturdy chest, filled with Hera’s gold, in a corner of your farm. Wait awhile, then announce that you have found a map to a buried treasure.”

“A map that I drew myself?”

“On old parchment. Unearth the gold before witnesses, and with that gold buy a failing business. It needn’t actually make a profit, you need only claim that it does, to explain away your income.”

Sarip said, “Should I bury other treasure chests full of gold? Just in case someone does take Hera’s gift from me?”

Athena said, “That would be prudent. So now you can seduce any woman, and you can purchase any woman. But what kind of woman will you seduce and purchase? Not a beautiful woman, nor a wealthy one.”

“Well, Athena, I’ve always been attracted to intelligent women.”

“And when you are attracted close enough to an intelligent woman to hear what she has to say, then do you listen?”

“Sometimes.”

“Well, I am the goddess of intelligence, so sometimes listen to me! And I say; wed a woman wiser than you!”

“Where do I find such a woman?”

“Almost anywhere, for you are merely a man. Know her by these signs: when you give her kisses and coins, she will respond with critique! She will find fault and demand improvements! She will say that you must change your life! And if you have any sense at all, then you will listen to her, and you will do what she says!”

“What a curse!”

“But she will nag you out of love and loyalty, with wisdom superior to yours, and for your own good.”

“Then two-thirds a blessing. But what if we disagree?”

“Of course you’ll disagree. You are a man, therefore foolish, and she will be wiser than you. You will quarrel; but fortunately I know a magic spell, which I will presently teach you.”

“What does it do?”

“It’ll quell any quarrel. Just utter seven magic words, then right away her wrath will vanish, and peace will return to your home. Say these seven magic words, and your marriage will be saved!”

“Just seven words? That sounds easy.”

“No, these words are not easy. The spell is true magic, so casting it is work! It’s hard work! To say these words, you must concentrate! You must suffer! Cast this spell only as a last resort! For these seven words speak the truth, and the truth will set you free, but first it’ll hurt!”

“What are the seven magic words?” Sarip scratched his head. “Are they… ‘You are beautiful, and I love you’?”

Athena laughed loud and long. Then she said, “No, no, no, you foolish man, that spell never works! Even though men constantly try to cast it! Here is the true spell.” Athena bellowed,

“ ‘You are right, and I was wrong!’ ”

Sarip winced. “Those words are hard to say.”

“This lesson is one-third a curse and two-thirds a blessing, for that is my reward to you. And now I take my leave.” Which she did.

 

The Judgement of Sarip, 4 of 6

Hera’s Reward

 

          As soon as he left Aphrodite’s palace of love, Sarip met a golden drone. It said, “Follow this device to claim your reward.” The golden drone led Sarip to Hera’s huge mansion. It held many chambers, all opulently furnished.  Sarip thought, “One can live in only one room at a time,” but he also thought, “Do not say that to Hera.”

          The golden drone led Sarip to a great hall, where Hera sat crowned and enthroned. She said, “What do you think of my mansion?”

Sarip said, “I’ve been rich, and I’ve been poor. Rich is better.”

Hera smiled. “Then approach the throne and take your reward!” She handed him a leather drawstring bag. Hera said, “Try to empty it.”

Sarip loosened the bag’s drawstring and scooped out coins. They were all pure gold. He held the bag open, upside down. A stream of gold coins poured out. They piled up on the floor. He turned the bag right side up; the gold stopped falling but the bag was as full as before.

Hera said, “It is a Bag of Endless Gold. You now have endless wealth – if you can keep it. For I must warn you, other men will try to steal the bag from you. So hide it!”

“From everyone?”

Hera said, “Not from your wife, for I, the goddess of marriage, guarantee that she will discover your secret. But hide it from everyone else. Athena will suggest a stratagem.”

“Where will I meet Athena?”

“At home. You will go there now. Our business here is done.”

Hera clapped her hands twice. In a flash of light, Sarip teleported straight home.

The Judgement of Sarip, 3 of 6

           Aphrodite’s Reward

 

Aphrodite said, “Me first!” She strode up to Sarip and held his hand. “Let’s fly to Mount Olympus and party at my place.”

“But I can’t fly.”

“So ride me!” Aphrodite turned around, got down on all fours, looked back at him, and smiled. “Don’t be shy. Saddle up!”

Sarip glanced at the other two goddesses, who were carefully ignoring them. He straddled her back like mounting a horse. Aphrodite said, “Now hold on tight! Takeoff in five, four, three, two, one, GO!”

Aphrodite flew into the air. Sarip grabbed her around her chest. He wrapped himself around her and hung on for dear life. They hurtled upwards through a spiral into the sky. Aphrodite cheered, “WHEEE!”

After a flight so fast and dizzy that Sarip could not tell up from down, Aphrodite landed gently at the front door of her palace of love. Sarip dismounted shakily. Aphrodite took Sarip by the hand, and led him within, to her boudoir.

She laid him down on a bed, she straddled him, and she tilted his head up. She said, “Now let’s see, where’s your crown chakra? Aha, there it is!” She kissed him on the top of his head. “Did you like that?”

Sarip said, “Mm-hmm,” for in that position he was staring straight at her breasts.

Aphrodite said, “That was just an ordinary kiss. Now for a magic kiss.” Again she kissed him on the top of his head.

Sarip screamed at the top of his lungs. He convulsed, he thrashed, he throbbed and gushed.

Aphrodite smiled while he squirted. When his ecstatic spasms subsided, she said, “That is one of my powers. I shall now give you the power to make any woman climax with a kiss.”

Sarip moaned, “… thank you…”

“To do this, I must give you six more magic kisses.”

Aphrodite kissed him six more times, on his forehead, throat, heart, navel, crotch, and the base of his spine. With each kiss he wailed and quaked. For the next-to-last chakra she lifted his tunic, which was quite damp; and for the last she rolled him over, for by then he could barely move. When she kissed the chakra at the base of his spine, he shrieked, and he flopped around on the bed like a fish on a pier.

Aphrodite said, “Now all seven of your chakras are wide open. Sleep now, darling, and when you awake, you will possess the power to pleasure any woman with a kiss. That is my reward to you.”

Sarip moaned, “… thank you…” and he fell asleep.

Aphrodite giggled at how wet his tunic was. She snapped her fingers; instantly his tunic was clean but her boudoir reeked of his sperm. Aphrodite cooed, “O how I love the musk of cum!” She inhaled deeply through her nose; she moaned, quivered, toppled, and lay in bed palpitating; for getting off from that odor is one of her many kinks.

          Sarip eventually awoke, and he found Aphrodite asleep next to him. He kissed her; she smiled. Then he gave her a magic kiss. Aphrodite moaned, shivered, smiled, and opened her eyes. She said, “You may go now, dear. Hera has a gift for you. But before you go… kiss me again.”

Sarip kissed Aphrodite again. She cried out, she shuddered, she sighed, and she fell asleep. Sarip smiled, and he took his leave.

 

The Judgement of Sarip, 2 of 6

 

Hail Eris!

 

Aphrodite said, “We mostly agree with your judgement.”

Athena said, “We each two-thirds agree.”

Hera said, “I shall call up Eris immediately.” She clapped her hands twice, and said,

“Oh spirits true to one and all;

We contact you to place a call!”

From out of the air sounded a loud BEEP! A voice from the air said, “Welcome to Gaia Wireless. Whom do you wish to call up?”

Hera said, “Eris! Goddess of Discord!”

Aphrodite said, “And Chaos!”

Athena said, “And Confusion!”

The voice from the air said, “Please state your number.”

Aphrodite said, “Sixty-nine!”

Hera said, “One!”

Athena said, “Pi!”

          From out of the air sounded a loud BEEP! Then the voice of Eris said, “Twenty-three!” Eris appeared out of a mushroom blast of sulfurous smoke. She coughed until the smoke dissipated, then she said, “Who dares to summon me thus?”

          Aphrodite said, “Hi there, sweety! It’s us!”

          Athena said, “The judge has made his decision.”

          Eris said, “Aha, the contest! So who won?”

          Sarip said, “I award the Apple of Discord to you.”

          Eris said, “To me? You’re throwing my own Apple back at me?”

          Hera said, “Yes he is, just to end the contest.”

Eris said, “That judgement is perverse! It’s hypocritical, it’s fake, it’s a lie! No-one thinks I’m the prettiest!”

Athena said, “Of course it’s perverse. He can’t afford to be weak, as the wise are, so he didn’t give the Apple to me.”

Hera said, “And he can’t afford to be unfair, as the rich are, so he didn’t give the Apple to me.”

Aphrodite said, “And he can’t afford to be foolish, as the masses are, so he didn’t give the Apple to me.”

Sarip said, “I can’t afford to be weak, or unfair, or foolish; so I have no choice but to be perverse. Therefore I give the Apple to you.”

He did so. Eris held the Apple of Discord, and she read, “‘Kallisti’. To the prettiest one. So I win!”

Athena said, “But by winning you lose.”

Aphrodite said, “You are as pretty as the Kindly Ones are kindly!”

Hera said, “Begone! And take your poisoned fruit with you!”

          Hera clapped her hands twice. Eris disappeared into a mushroom blast of sulfurous smoke.

The goddesses huddled together, spoke quietly to each other, then they all faced Sarip.

Aphrodite said, “You have pleased us, so we will reward you.”

Hera said, “You have angered us, so our rewards will be tainted.”

Athena said, “Each reward will be two-thirds a blessing, but one-third a curse.”