The Judgement of Sarip
Triple Threat
Once upon a time, the farmer Sarip sat down to rest his tired back on a crabapple tree. He was about to fall asleep when he heard two hand-claps, and was dazzled by a flash of light.
When his eyes cleared, he saw three women standing nearby. He knew that they were goddesses because they glowed. One was a blonde wearing a thin negligee; another was a redhead wearing a designer dress, pearls, and ermine; and another was a brunette wearing camouflage and a helmet. With them, resting on the ground, was a glowing golden apple.
The blonde said, “I am Aphrodite, goddess of love.”
The redhead said, “I am Hera, goddess of money and power.”
The brunette said, “I am Athena, goddess of wisdom.”
Sarip stood up, bowed, and said, “I am Sarip, a poor yet honest farmer. You honor me with your visit; but why?”
Aphrodite said, “We need a judge, for a contest, about that.” She pointed to the golden apple.
Hera said, “There is writing on it. Read the inscription.”
Sarip picked up the apple and read, “‘Kallisti’.”
Athena said, “Meaning, ‘to the prettiest one’.”
Aphrodite said, “Meaning me.”
Hera said, “No, I am the prettiest one.”
Athena said, “No, I am.”
Sarip said, “Ladies, Ladies, why do you contend over this? It’s just an apple!”
Athena said, “That is no ordinary apple. It is the Apple of Discord; for it is a cursed gift from the goddess of discord, chaos, and confusion.”
Aphrodite said, “That crazy bitch Eris! We didn’t invite her to a party – who would? – so she crashed it, and threw that Apple at us! Everybody wanted it, we three pulled rank, but now we can’t decide which one of us gets it! Which should be me!”
“No, me!”
“No, me!”
Sarip cried, “Ladies, Ladies!”
Aphrodite cooed, “I can make it worth your while to give me the Apple. I can give you the power to win any woman.”
Sarip considered this; then he saw the expressions on Hera’s and Athena’s faces and reconsidered. “But then I would be hated by the wealthy, and wisdom would abandon me. I can’t afford that.”
Hera said, “I can give you endless gold.”
Sarip said, “But then wisdom and women would elude me. I would be a lonely fool, and I can’t afford that.”
Athena said., “I can give you sound advice.”
Sarip shook his head. “But then I would enjoy neither women nor wealth. I would be a homeless sage, and I can’t afford that. Let’s face it, I can’t afford to give the Apple of Discord to any of you.”
Hera said, “But you must give it to one of us! For look, it says to the prettiest one!”
Sarip said, “And that is none of you, by your own admission!”
The three goddesses said in unison, “What?!”
Sarip said, “You betray your own natures for the sake of discord! Aphrodite, this stupid dispute is not sexy! Nor, Hera, is it regal! Nor, Athena, is it intelligent!”
The goddesses were silent.
Sarip continued. “By your own discord, you worship Eris, goddess of discord. You are more attracted to her than to yourselves! So Eris is the prettiest one, according to you! You are unanimous, so I, a mere mortal, dare not disagree. To keep the peace, I must award the Apple of Discord to Eris herself.”
Aphrodite pouted and stamped a foot; Hera crossed her arms; Athena’s face showed no expression whatever.
Sarip said, “Don’t be too upset, dear Ladies. I admit that I won’t give you the Apple of Discord, but on the other hand, neither will I give it to either of your two rivals.”
The three goddesses looked sidelong at each other. Then Aphrodite sighed, Hera shrugged, and Athena rolled her eyes.
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