Cruddy Armageddon, an Underfable

 Cruddy Armageddon

 

Once upon a time, on Monday morning, Satan unleased Armageddon. God’s Angels sprang to Creation’s defense, but the Dark Lord’s attack bypassed their training.

The Angels were prepared for Gog and Magog. They expected the Beast, the Whore, the Dragon, and the Four Horsemen. They expected earthquakes, fire, smoke, brimstone, hail, blood, and darkness. They expected slaughter and genocide.

But instead of such thrilling terrors, Satan sent a plague of petty woes. On that great and terrible day, all souls, mortal and angelic, suffered from the Mondayest Monday ever. The day was soaked with an endless rain of trivial soul-crushing crapola.

Starting early that most Monday of mornings, everyone had to endure stubbed toes and flatulence and hiccups and missing socks. By Satan’s decree, milk spilled, rice burned, and toast fell buttered-side down; for Satan’s evil plan was to crush every soul.

That long, long day was a relentless assault of paper cuts and traffic jams and long lines and pebbles in the shoe and wrong numbers. Instead of Wormwood, Satan sent brownouts; instead of fire from Heaven, he sent wet sleet; instead of vampires, he sent overdue bills.

The poor Angels, too used to Heaven’s perfection, fell to despair in droves. When Michael’s car battery failed, he burst into flames; when Gabriel got put on hold, he cursed God and died.

But mortal humankind weathered the shit-storm. Everyone suffered, but it was a familiar misery, born of long experience. All humankind survived that day, with all souls uncrushed.

Thus Satan was defeated, and the Messianic Age began.

Moral: Adversity builds character.

 

Comment: Why is there evil? One theodicy states that evil exists to give us hardship, which improves our character. But if God is toughening us up, then for what? What life inures us to is mostly its petty annoyances. Would that be the Armageddon that we are being trained for? If so then it would fit us. The Archangel Michael could slay the Dragon, but a dead car battery would be too much for him.