* * * * * * * * *
Sam showed me a
special magazine edition that the National Liar printed for this emergency
holiday season. It was an in-depth biography of those two. What tales they
told!
“You see, Jack
Flash and Miz PC were both as rich as Hell, but they had a little problem. It
was called Kah-pey.”
“Their pet
volcano!” I exclaimed.
“You mustn’t use
the V-word,” my uncle-cubed mock-scolded me. “They got annoyed with its habit
of regularly spewing hot ash and lava over their broad estates.” Sam squinted
at the magazine, pored down its columns of print. “See – it’s right here in the
Liar – one morning in bed together, those two thought up this really bright idea…”
“What were they
doing in bed?”
“Thinking up
bright ideas!” said Sam. “Namely; that modern technology makes it possible to
put a cap on Kah-pey!”
“A cap?!” I mock-goggled.
“A cap,” he
replied with mock seriousness; and he intoned (while I giggled helplessly),
“With Science and Modern Technology in control, we can keep Mount Kah-Pey
secure forever!”
“Forever?!” I
gasped.
“Forever,” he said
grimly. “It says so right here in the National Liar.”
I howled with
laughter.
* * * * * * * * *
I
goggled in all sincerity. “A cap?!”
The
ancient Tortoiselander said, “Yup.”
“On
an active volcano?!”
“Yup.”
“What
for?”
“I
told you what for; two rich fools wanted to shut the damn thing up. But in
addition, mind you, there was profit
to be made! Yes, you heard me, profit! A genuine killing to be made in
geothermal power!”
“Geothermal
power from a capped volcano?”
“A
real hot property,” the ancient Tortoiselander declared. “Imagine all the
megawatts of heat energy you can tap off tons of molten rock not far
underground! No more lava-inundated generators! No, now we have safe volcano power!”
“You
mustn’t use the V-word,” I said numbly.
“Power
too cheap to meter! Megawatts! Gigawatts! Whatever you want! As much as you can
take; in fact, the more heat you can steal from the Pimple, the better!”
“I
see.”
“The
Mount Kah-Pey Geothermal Industrial Project wants
you to consume energy. They’re constantly expanding facilities, but don’t
worry. It’s true that all those new boreholes tend to weaken the mountain, but
they’re constantly weaving steel cables all over the V-word, in order to even
out the stress, and leave no single weak point.”
“But
what if it all goes all at once, like a bubble?” I asked.
“Good
question!”
“And
by the way, where is Kah-Pey?” I
asked, looking around.
No
high ground anywhere.
* * * * * * * * *
I forgot to tell
you what Those Two looked like.
Jack Flash wore a
traditional Hareland business suit; mohawk haircut dyed bright green and
purple, wraparound mirror shades, safety-pin earrings, studded black leather
jacket, black jeans, and boots. I believe the style is called “punk”.
Don’t laugh.
Hareland businessmen had to dress
like punks, if they wanted to make any money. Uncle Ted, for instance. He had
to wear that stuff, or they wouldn’t hire him anywhere.
Miz PC was equally
traditional; she dressed like a Hareland housewife. No reason why; she was rich
enough to afford better; she just like to dress ‘below her station’, if you
please. The style is called ‘Morticia-clone’; black filmy dress, high heels,
long black straight hair, black eyeshadow, black lipstick, bone-white face, and
sharp red nails. Very old-fashioned.
I also forgot to
quote Ms. Prudence Constance about the miraculous vision she received, blessing
this venture. For you see, young man, she told the world that she met an angel…
What, you don’t
believe me? Then judge for yourself, O skeptic. She said:
“In his hands I
saw a long golden spear and at the end of the iron tip I seemed to see a point
of light. With this he seemed to pierce into my heart several times so that it
penetrated into my entrails. When he drew it out I thought he was drawing them
out with it and he left me completely afire with a great love of God. The pain
was so sharp that it made me utter several sharp moans; and so excessive was
the sweetness caused me by this intense pain that one can never with to lose it.”
* * * * * * * * *
“Amazing!”
I cried.
The
ancient Tortoiselander said, “That’s what I said, too, when I first heard it.”
“That
was from the president of the Guardians of Purity?”
The
ancient Tortoiselander said, “The Neo-Conservative attitude towards sex was the
same as their attitude towards volcanoes. Both were merely forces of nature.”
“Merely forces of nature?”
“Created
by God for them to harness and subdue. But they themselves were above such
things. They were in control. They were masters, not slaves; management, not
labor.”
* * * * * * * * *
“They’re convinced that they’re invincible,” Sam told me as soon as my giggle-fit passed. “It says right here in the Liar; ‘We’re intelligent beings, we can control a big dumb volcano’.”
“An intelligent being wouldn’t even try to control a big dumb volcano!” I
jeered.
Sam said, “An
intelligent being wouldn’t make a V-word into their main industrial power
center. An intelligent being wouldn’t put their homes on or anywhere near such
a folly! And, when the damn thing’s innards rumble a bit more than usual, an intelligent being would never throw a party for his richest
friends and enemies in a big building right on top of the Pimple itself! But that’s exactly what those lunatics
are doing right now!”
“Are they
televising the party?” I asked eagerly.
Uncle-cubed
frowned; then he eased up and said, “In an hour. You can watch with us as soon
as you do the recycling.”
“Aww, Sam!”
“You can stomp the
cans, O.K.?”
“O.K.,” I agreed
quickly.
“So be nimble with
those cans! Be quick!”
I smiled.
“Jack-be-nimble?”
“You’re not Jack!”
Sam objected.
I sang; “Jack be NIMBL, Jack be quick
Jack
Flash sat on a candlestick
’Cause
fire is the Devil’s only friend!”
Sam and I laughed.
It was a Tortoiseland nursery song.
He said, “Do you
know what that acronym means?”
“N-I-M-B-L?” I
said. “No, what?”
“ ‘Not In My
Bloody Lifetime’,” he intoned. “Jumpin’ Jack Flash himself said that. Get in,
get out, quick as a hare!”
“The Harelandish
way!” I cried.
Sam nodded. “For
you see, dear nephew-cubed, they all know – anybody with any common sense knows
– what’s bound to happen sooner or later…”
* * * * * * * * *
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