Monday, February 7, 2022

Ask Dr. Psience (2)

           From the backfiles of the National Liar:


Ask Dr. Psience (2)



          Dear Dr. Psience:

          What is the “Missing Mass”? Where has it gone off to?

                   Signed, Lost in Space


          Dear Lost in Space:

          Cosmologists say that the universe will continue to expand forever unless it contains a critical density of matter. Observations show that the cosmic mass density is only 5% of that amount. Cosmologists, who like their theories neat, their questions answered and their cosmos closed, ask; where is the missing mass?

          Parallel to this is one called the “Fermi Paradox”, named after Enrico Fermi, who asked, “Where are they?” He meant, where are the extraterrestrials? If they exist, then surely we would have seen them by now. The aliens are missing!

          The missing mass is missing, the aliens are missing; separately these questions lack answers, but together they suggest each other’s answers. The aliens are missing with the missing mass; or in other words;

          The extraterrestrials STOLE the missing mass!




          Dear Dr. Psience:

          How does gravity work?

                   Signed, Heavy Hitter



          Dear Heavy Hitter:

          Most theorists claim that gravity makes things fall down; but when asked why, their answers are incomprehensible. These difficulties arise from a false perspective; for they are trying to explain why things fall down. The truth is, gravity actually makes things fall up. The direction that we call “up” is in fact down, and the direction that we call “down” is in fact up.

          All objects fall up (which we call “down”) because matter is lighter than vacuum. That’s the Law of Levity, miscalled gravity. You can observe Levity in action simply by standing on your head.



          Dear Dr. Psience:

          What are the medical uses for plutonium?

                   Signed, Dr. Strangelove



          Dear Dr. Strangelove:

          Plutonium is a panacea, good for whatever ails you. A single session of plutonium therapy can end all the ills of all the dwellers of any large city – swiftly and forever. No disease or distress can survive the plutonium cure.

          The trouble is, no patient can survive the plutonium cure either; and as a result this medical procedure has received lukewarm support. Global plutonium therapy has often been proposed, but implementation has been postponed indefinitely, due to interference from special interest groups. Write your congressman!



          Dear Dr. Psience:

          What is the population of the universe?

                   Signed, Censusless


          Dear Censusless:

          The population of the universe is zero.

          Viewed locally, one can find inhabitants; but this implies a non-zero local population. Viewed at a cosmic level, no inhabitants are visible; thus a zero cosmic population.

          This strange discrepancy between a non-zero local population and a zero cosmic population exists because every inhabitant of the cosmos is only virtually here. None of us exists quite long enough to make a difference observable on the cosmic scale. We are all like the “virtual particles” of quantum mechanics, which exist too briefly for us to observe them directly.

          Virtual particles are unobservable themselves, but their unseen interactions generate the forces of nature. Thus it may be possible that we, though unreal ourselves, are how reality holds itself together.




          In next issue’s schematics for a time-travel machine, we will fail to include doppleganger-detection circuitry; nor will we include warnings about the dangers of temporal duplication. The National Liar apologizes for any time paradoxes that will have resulted from these omissions.





          Next Time In “Ask Dr. Psience”:

          Missing Socks, Pringle’s Aerodynamics, Quantum Gravity, Hindsight, Properties of Darkness.



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