More on Feline Monarchy
A
Modest Proposal
Elsewhere
I have seconded Mark Twain’s satirical proposal that there be a country with a
royal family composed entirely of cats. I have thought further on this system,
with these results:
The
royal palace and staff shall be modest; I propose a small apartment adjoining
the legislative chambers, which the royal cats shall have free run of. His
Feline Majesty and his queens shall be fertile; no castrating His Highness;
hence the palace shall be a cattery, exporting kitten princes and princesses.
The line shall be bred for regal tolerance of strangers, for His Highness must
greet politicians, paparazzi and crowds.
The
cat-king is of course a figurehead; the Prime Minister holds the real power.
However certain powers are reserved for His Feline Majesty alone, subject to
his sole command, ‘until cats learn to talk’. These are all powers forbidden to
human government, and granted to the cat on condition that cats remain mute.
His Majesty is granted sole
ownership of every excessive government power, which the written constitution enumerates;
a negative bill of rights. For instance: the cat, and the cat alone, can
regulate speech; establish religion; prohibit arms; prohibit alcohol; prohibit
drugs; suspend habeas corpus; wage war without Congressional approval;
eavesdrop without warrant; and torture.
It is
therefore vital that no human ever occupy the Feline Throne. This is in line
with the normal function of cats; here humans put a cat on the throne to keep
human vermin off of it. To keep humans off the cat-throne, the constitution
shall establish a series of rigorous felinity tests.
Amongst
the felinity tests are: Purring. Personally catching, killing and eating mice
and rats. Jumping up three body lengths onto a platform one foot square. An
hour in freezing cold air without wearing any clothing. Being held upside down
by his feet three body lengths above a hard surface, dropped, and landing on
his feet. Passing through a hole one inch wider than his head.
Anyone
arrogating royal powers must be given a rigorous felinity test.
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