Underfables: Fool the Prophet

Fool the Prophet

         Once upon a time a Prophet said unto the people, “You are saints and heroes. Our exceptional nation is a blessed haven of justice, liberty,  prosperity and learning. We are a light unto the world.”

         The people agreed, and they said, “We’ve done enough.” So they closed factories,  ports, universities and the Assembly. Roads grew weeds, bridges fell, sewers leaked, and a dark age began.

         Later another Prophet said unto the people, “You are pigs and maggots. Our mediocre nation is an accursed hive of villainy, tyranny, poverty and ignorance. We are a disgrace before mankind.”

         The people agreed, and they said, “We must do better.” So they built sewers, roads, bridges and factories; they opened ports, universities and the Assembly; and a golden age began.

         Moral:  Damn braces, Bless relaxes.

 

Underfables: Cattitude

Cattitude

         Once upon a time a Barn Cat, hunting for mice at the circus, stopped and sat and stared.

         A Panther turned his head and narrowed his eyes. He growled, “What are you looking at?”

         The Barn Cat said, “I’m looking at a whole lot of big cat.”

         The Panther rumbled, “Do go on.”

         The Barn Cat said, “Your sleek physique! Your mighty thews! Your claws! Your fangs! You, sir, are a killing machine!”

         The Panther purred, “I could kill you in an instant.”

         “I’d be a snack!” said the Barn Cat, “ - if you could reach me through those bars.”

         The Panther hissed, “Shut up!”

         The Barn Cat said, “And what strong bars! And what a big cage!”

         The Panther was silent.

         “Oh well,” said the Barn Cat, “I think I’ll go somewhere else now. See ya!” And the Barn Cat strolled away, tail high.

         Moral:  Blessed be liberty.

Underfables: An Age of Miracles and Wonders

          An Age of Miracles and Wonders

          Once upon a time the Shaman of the tribe took another swig of berry juice and said, “In the far future, men will start fires with the flick of a thumb!”

          The other tribesmen around the campfire said, “Sure they will.”

          The Shaman continued, “The people of the far future will have meat, fruit, grain and eggs, fresh all year round! Their caves will be warm in the winter and cool in the summer! They’ll always have clean water!”

          The other tribesmen said, “But of course.”

          The Shaman said, “The people of the far future,” then he took another swig of berry juice and continued, “will have flameless light at midnight! They’ll see sights, and converse with friends, beyond the horizon! They will run faster than jaguars and fly higher than eagles! The people of the far future,” he said, and took another swig of berry juice, “will see the far side of the Moon!”

          The other tribesmen said, “Who can doubt it?”

          The Shaman’s woman arrived. She squatted down, grabbed his head, sniffed his breath, and said, “I see!” Then she grabbed him by the shoulders, stood him up, and led him staggering back to their cave to sleep it off.

          Moral:  What is now proved was once only imagined.

Underfables: Seventy-Two White Raisins

Seventy-Two White Raisins

Once upon a time a young Jihadi appeared at the gates of Paradise, from out of a sudden burst of smoke. The Jinn  guarding the gates welcomed the defender of the faith, and into the Jihadi’s hand – still streaming smoke – the Jinn pressed his reward; six dozen white raisins. The Jinn said, with a smile, “They are as pure as they are white!”

The Jihadi replied, “Seventy-two white raisins?  But the Imam promised me seventy-two virgins!”

The Jinn said, “That passage was mistranslated. And just what kind of an establishment do you think we are running here, young man?”

Moral: Beware the fine print. 

From the Liar: Unused Headlines

               Unused headlines for

       The National Liar

               “Every Rumor Unfit To Print!”

ELVIS RISES FROM THE DEAD!

Thousands witness saucer miracle!

JFK ASSASSINATES REAGAN!

Nation Rejoices!

WATER FLOWS UPHILL!

Sun Rises In West

Time An Illusion!

HONEST POLITICAN FOUND!!!

COLD WAR HOAX!

America and Russia were allies!

“Big Bang” Boo-Boo

Cosmos An Industrial Accident!

SHARK-EATING MAN

Fish swim in terror!

YETI ELECTED PRESIDENT

Snowman orders invasion of Tibet

Drug Czar Addict!

“The Devil Made Me Do It!” sobs deposed narc.

Santa’s Elves On Strike

Demand overtime pay for six-month nights!

Mr. Ed could talk!

Relativity Refuted

Hiroshima unscathed!

INCUMBENT DEFEATED!

POPE PROVES  1+1=1 !!!

Zombies Infest White House

Stock Market Crashes

Nobody Notices

All Horror Flick Gore Genuine

Actors Selected From Audiences

Stork Robs Sperm Bank

DEATH TOLL FALLS!

Former victims rise from the dead!

Photographic Proof That

PIGS HAVE WINGS!

Movie Star Grows Third Breast!

Plans World Exhibition Tour

Man Faxes Self

GOVERNMENT ILLEGAL!

Mobs Rule World

TEXAS ELECTS FIRST MALE GOVERNOR

Masculinists Applaud

WATER NOT WET

Iron Made Of Wood

Gay Whale Weds Godzilla

Judge Crater Presides

‘Toon Sex Scandal

Famous Character Strays!

MARILYN MONROE BURNS BRA

Snow White Love Nest

Princess purrs, “They’re short but fun!”

CIA OBEYS CONSTITUTION!!!

Preacher Deprograms Marine

“Army Is Satanic Cult!” weeps killer’s distraught Mom

SPACE ALIENS INVENTED WAR!

-        and peace!    - 

FIAT MONEY SCAM!

Paper backed by lies!

Trillions swindled!

God Denounces All Religions!

Disguntled Deity Proclaims:

“I DO NOT EXIST!”

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