Wednesday, January 9, 2013

From the Liar: The Vested Interest Phenomenon

From the annals of the National Liar
Volume 0, #0, April 1, 1993

From the Discreditor’s Desk:
The Vested Interest Phenomenon

We here at the National Liar naturally take strong interest in politics. What better place to find material suited for publication here? Who but a politician would call himself a liberal and prove it by writing thousands of new government regulations? Or call himself a conservative and prove it by spending the nation $2,000,000,000,000 into debt?
               Liberals do not liberate and conservatives do not conserve. Why is this so? Why does communism lead to communal warfare, and capitalism lead to national bankruptcy? Why does welfare spending cause poverty, and defense spending cause warfare? When merchants run a country, consumers lose their jobs; when spies run a country, nobody knows what’s going on; when lawyers run a country, everybody becomes a lawbreaker; and when priests run a country, sin is the only way to succeed. Why?
               There is a simple explanation for every one of these ironic reversals. It is the Vested Interest Phenomenon, or “V-I.P.”; a universal political law which states:
               Every social service organization has a vested interest in the continued existence of precisely those evils which it is pledged to combat.
               Please note; every service group has a vested interest. There are no exceptions to this rule. The V-I.P.’s validity is forever guaranteed by the existence of corruption, stupidity and incompetence. Social service organizations which attain their stated goals must then disband; those which somehow fail can continue to exist. Thus they inevitably evolve downwards.
               For instance, if liberals really did liberate the masses, then the masses would have less need for liberals. If conservatives really did conserve family values, then families would have less need for conservatives. To maintain their power base, both groups must preserve their pet peeves. That is why liberals enslave and conservatives destroy. They usually do so unwittingly; indeed, witlessly.
               One can multiply examples of this nature, not limited to formal politics. Commerce reduces our wealth, medicine makes us sick, war destroys the homeland, philosophy eclipses wisdom, science confuses us about Nature, religion leads us away from God, and so on.
               And what of this newspaper? Is the National Liar immune from the subtle ravages of Vested Interest? If there were no Vested Interest Phenomenon, would this newspaper have as many follies to mock? Certainly not! Obviously the National Liar has a vested interest in Vested Interest, and is as untrustworthy as anything else. So don’t believe anything in this newspaper – especially this very article!
               Doubt this Discreditorial!

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