From the Liar: Chinese Horrorscope

               From the annals of the National Liar

               V1#1, October 31, 1994

            Chinese Horrorscope

               Year of the Skunk

               You are smug, garish and obnoxious.  Skilled at offense. Choose a career in procuring, narcotics smuggling, or advertising. Marry a Bat or a Weasel but not a Viper or a Shark.

               Year of the Bat 

               You like nightlife, soft music and aviation.  Prone to eccentric ideas. Choose a career in religion, academia or Presidential politics. Marry a Mosquito or a Cockroach but not a Crocodile or a Shark.

Year of the Viper

               You are slippery, narrow-minded and poisonous. Undiplomatic. Choose a career in talk-show hosting, political punditry, or televangelism. Marry a Piranha or a Toad but not a Leech or a Worm.

               Year of the Cockroach   

               You like food, nightlife and raising large families. Intensely domestic despite disinclination to pay rent. Choose a career in sanitation, fast food or real estate. Marry a Leech or a Worm but not a Spider or a Toad.

               Year of the Spider           

               You are crafty, patient and venomous. Creative yet businesslike. Choose a career in psychology, computers or espionage. Marry a Mosquito or a Worm but not a Toad or a Bat.

               Year of the Mosquito    

               You are evasive, whiny and irritating. Friendly but friendless. Choose a career in social work, mime or stand-up comedy. Marry a Cockroach or a Leech but not a Bat or a Spider.

               Year of the Worm           

               You are earthy, flexible and humble. Not a picky eater. Choose a career in private detection, tabloid journalism or blackmail. Marry a Leech or a Viper but not a Crocodile or a Shark.

               Year of the Toad             

               You are fat, slimy and complacent. May be found in low dives. Choose a career in pawnbroking, prison security or upper management. Marry a Viper or a Piranha but not a Crocodile or a Shark.

               Year of the Shark            

               You are primitive, aggressive and insensate. Always on the move. Choose a career in corporate law, stockbroking or organized crime. Marry a Crocodile or a Piranha but not a Spider or a Worm.

               Year of the Weasel         

               You are vicious, devious and irritable. Better at romance than at matrimony. Choose a career in advertising, political consulting or used-car dealing. Marry a Crocodile or a Shark but not a Mosquito or a Leech.

               Year of the Piranha        

               You are voracious, mordant and insatiable. A team player. Choose a career in bureaucracy, middle management or tax law. Marry a Toad or a Crocodile but not a Shark or a Leech.

               Year of the Crocodile     

               You are a brutal coldblooded predator. Dangerous when roused. Choose a career in corporate acquisitions, law enforcement or armed robbery. Marry a Piranha or a Weasel but not a Leech or a Shark.

               Year of the Leech            

               You are blind bloodsucking parasite. Prone to form attachments. Choose a career in personal injury law, local government or banking. Marry a Mosquito or a Toad but not a Crocodile or a Spider.