Wednesday, January 23, 2013

From the Liar: Black Hole! Earth Absorbed

               From the annals of the National Liar
                V2#2 October 31, 1995

         Black Hole! Earth Absorbed

On September 23, 7:23 GMT, a black hole collided with planet Earth. The collapsed star quickly absorbed the planet; a cosmic catastrophe that spelled the end of all life on Earth, including the human race.
               “It’s a dangerous universe,” commented Carl Sagan, noted media astronomer. “Consider the dinosaurs. They too dominated Earth’s ecology, and they too were destroyed by an asteroid impact. How are the mighty fallen!”
               “Dammit, I had just made the down payment on my new car, when all of a sudden this happens,” said Joseph Six-pack, of Oshkosh, Idaho.  “If I had known this was coming I’d have kept the old four-door.”
               “Too bad we didn’t have the Information Superhighway on line in time for this,” said Vice President Al Gore. “We might have been able to read about the black hole while it homed in.”
               “Life was good,” said President Clinton. “But on the other hand, life could sometimes be such a pain; so now that we’re all dead, I guess that’s good too.”
               Speaker Newt Gingrich said, “With the erasure of the human future, new we can get that future in order. I foresee a balanced budget, no taxes, and absolute military security from now on.”
               Rush Limbaugh has, uncharacteristically, no comment. On Wall Street, stock prices rose dramatically, but money markets and currency exchanges fell dramatically. Congress attempted to pass anti-black-hole legislation, but the bill was stalled in committee. The White House and the Supreme Court adjourned indefinitely, was well as all executive branches except the ATF, the CIA and the IRS. The judge in the Menendez trial ruled that black hole evidence is not admissible.
UPN has put together a video of the black hole impact, now available in selected supermarkets. MTV has announced its intention to compile a tape of Black Hole music, and will be holding a context next week.
               Harris poll indicate that 97% of the American people disapproved of the end of the world; however, an equal percentage said that it made no difference in their daily lives.

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